Thursday, March 6, 2014

the devil returns

On the way back to Dallas on Sunday afternoon, we hit some bad ice.  It took us 9 hours to get home, when it should only take 4 hours.  It was a scary trip.  Wow, fear has really taken it's toll on my body lately.  My spine feels so wacked out, my neck hurts, and my jaw is sore from my tendency to clench my mouth shut so tight when I'm nervous.  I remember at one point we took a detour to a side highway that ran north parallel to I-35.  Yea, not a good idea.  I feared for my life like I had never feared before.  Eeeek!!  There weren't as many cars on that highway, but that meant we could go faster than 1 mph.  Suddenly the appeal of going faster than 1 mph was gone and I wanted to go 1 mph!!! I didn't care how long it took me to get home, I just wanted to be safe where the other cars were and the traffic forced us to go slow enough that we couldn't spin out.

Sometimes I feel like God wants me to go too fast.  I am only 16 weeks out from losing my Jaxon.  Am I really supposed to share my testimony now?  God do you realize who you are talking to?  I can barely talk to my table at bible study about Jaxon.  And you want me to talk about him in front of 300 women?  Ummmm… I want to get back on that road with all the traffic where I can go 1 mph and there is no risk of spinning out.  Just saying…

Fear.  It is crippling.

I just have to keep reminding myself.  If I fail to do what He is calling me to do, He is still there.  He is still God, no matter what I choose.  But until I fully trust His plan for me, He is not my God.  He is someone else's God.  He can do great things for other people.  He can break her fear, but not mine.  I have to let go and trust Him.  I do believe that He is good.  I do believe that He keeps His promises.  Don't I?  I'm beginning to think that when I say that, it means that I believe it for other people.  But not for myself.  These thoughts are real, but where are they coming from???  I already know

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