I just got home from the chiropractor and let me tell you… THAT WAS AWESOME! I'm a chiro newbie and I. Was. Scared! I don't like thinking about my bones cracking and popping at the mercy of some stranger that can possibly break me. But I am hooked! And the hour massage beforehand was nice too ;)
Since I physically am feeling so good (and I haven't felt this good in a loooooong time) it's putting me in a great mood! So I decided to write. To be completely transparent- I have been in a dark, lonely place the past week and a half. It's been a mood that's just hard to shake. I've been more self-conscious than usual (I didn't think that was possible) and I've been kind of a downer. I don't like writing when I'm feeling that way. The feelings are real, yes, but ultimately it's a choice to project that out into the world. If we let these feelings take control of us for too long, then it's just a yucky place to be. Nobody wants to be around you and you don't want to be around anybody… it gets pretty lonely and just, well, yucky.
Is this God's plan? Or is it the new plan? Was this His plan all along, to give me a child only for a split second and then see what would happen, see if this would grow me or be the end of me? Or was it human error that led to Jaxon's death, and God decided to let it happen, because He saw a new plan that was better? Did God let Jaxon die because Jaxon was going to get really sick and He thought it would be better to let Jaxon go and save us that sorrow? Or maybe Jaxon was going to be a serial killer and God wanted to spare the world from that terror? UGH.
You know what?!? All I hear in my head is this whisper… You know better. Be still and know that I am God.
Wow. Okay. I have a feeling that this was God's plan all along. And if so… I have to say it- I'm not a big fan right now. I am still mad at God. I don't like this plan, I hate this plan. I want the illusion of control back. Okay, I know I said I was in a good mood and I am. Which is why I'm going to say this…
I don't have all the answers. And today I am going to be okay with that.
In fact, I'm pretty sure I'll never know the answers. But I'm about to get into something great. In my last post I talked about Hope Mommies. Well, I'm going to start going to what they call Hope Groups. A few of us local Hope Moms (I am so blessed to be a part of this group because most groups are online due to the moms being spread so far apart in location- God thank you, but I am still upset with you) are going to get together and share our stories with each other, share our grief, even share our relationship with God with each other. This is the perfect spot for a grieving mother- a chance to feel like I am not alone.
I went to dinner with these mommies last week. We went to BJs, one of my favorite places- the gourmet mac and cheese is glorious! Haha- I don't know why they call it gourmet because I think they put goldfish crackers on top! Nothin says gourmet like goldfish ya'll! :) Anyway, it was a great time. My introvertedness showed up for sure, but these women are so kindhearted and compassionate. They asked me questions and included me and it was a great place to be, even when surrounded by the grief. There was a mom there who just lost her baby boy in February and let me tell you- wow!! Her strength is amazing. She cried yes, but you know what? Allowing yourself to cry and be vulnerable like that is strength.
I can't wait to see what God has planned for Dallas… I see big things.