This week, I've done a lot of speaking about Jaxon out loud. It's been hard, and I've still cried every time. For some reason I was thinking that telling the story out loud a few times would mean that eventually I'd stop crying when I tell it... well, I haven't reached that point yet. Maybe I never will, but I'm ok with that. Most of the time.
Monday, John-Michael and I went to a grief group called Healing Matters. It was at Medical Center of Plano- a little drive, but it was worth it. I'm so happy that my hubby agreed to go! By the end of the night, he was talking more than I was, which is what usually happens because that's our personalities. I was glad to see him speaking about Jaxon and trying to connect with the others in the group, because honestly I think we've been kind of stuck and don't know what else to say. Don't get me wrong- we've never been closer. There just comes a time when sharing your story with others becomes the next step of the healing- there's only so much we can say to each other about it. We are sad. We both have good days and bad days. We tell each other about what gave us that too familiar sting in our hearts and what gave us joy. We know where each other is in our grief. I think it's time to help others in their grief. By the way, thank you Amy for introducing us to another piece of our healing puzzle. I can't say enough wonderful things about this girl- really. She's linked me up with Hope Mommies in more ways than one, and now with a grief group. Absolute wonderful human being that I look up to.
Tuesday, I spoke with Kate about all the crappy things that were going through my mind last week and over the weekend. Very. Crappy. Place. To. Be. We cried and she said, "borrow my hope, please!" Anyway, more on that later, because I think it deserves an entire post to itself :) I told her about sharing my testimony at bible study that same evening and how I'm so glad to be in a better place, because if I hadn't shaken that doubt I wouldn't speak about it- how depressing is that? She said, "oh I completely forgot that you were sharing your testimony tonight! That devil was working hard to screw that us wasn't he?!?" And yes, there it is. I keep forgetting about that stupid guy. He's so freaking sneaky!! But she also said something that I will never forget. "God allowed you to feel those things and ask those questions because He wanted you to learn something. He would have kept the devil away from you if He wanted to, but He didn't. There is a purpose there and you made a choice. You've done so much work these past few days!" And just like that, I realized that God allowed me to fight a battle against the devil and because I turned to Him for help, I won! How cool is that?!?
Anyway, remember when I said some things about Angie Smith's book What Women Fear? She said something that has been instrumental in conquering my fear of speaking out loud. All my life, I've looked at what other people have done, in awe, but in total acceptance that there is just no way that I can do that (insert anything that involves speaking to strangers whether it be 1 or 300). But I was feeling a nudge. A nudge to speak about Jaxon and what this has done to me. How this has changed me forever. (Referring to when Peter walked on water with Jesus)- Angie says:
If you don't get out of the boat, He will never be your God. All my life, I have refused to get out of the boat and trust what God has to say about me. I put so many limits on myself because I would believe that I am not good enough to be a witness, I am not strong enough, I am not brave enough, smart enough, etc. The list goes on and on and on!!
But Tuesday, I got out of the boat and now I can say, finally, He is my God. I got up at bible study in front of a bazillion women (with a microphone- woah!!) and spoke about Jaxon. I don't even remember what I said, but I cried, and I spoke, and I cried some more, and I spoke. I think I spoke too long because I abandoned my plan of reading what I wanted to say and I spoke from my heart. And it felt so good to let all of my petty worries float to Him and put Him in control, finally. Better late than never, right? :)