Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Mallie and NILMDTS

2 weeks ago, I had this random thought- what if our women's bible study did a hope box gathering?  If you know me, or have read my blog, you've probably picked up on my insecurities but I don't think I've actually said this- BIG time introvert here!  Thinking about being in a big group that I am supposed to interact with just sucks the energy right out of me!!  Yea, just thinking about it!  I'm not even talking about actually doing it yet.  Especially a group that I haven't met before.  And then, there's the after terror where I think of all the things I could have said and beat myself up for not fully embracing the time and saying a few things.  Ugh!  All you introverts out there know what I'm talking about :)  I realize this about myself, and I'm still trying to figure out how to be me and not be upset with myself about being me...

Ok, back to the hope box gathering idea- I have to tell you more about Mallie, Amy, and Hope Mommies first.  I know I've mentioned them before, but I feel like I've been vague with how God placed them into my life and the impact they have had on me these last several months.  Let me start with November 13, 2013.  A couple of hours after I found out that Jaxon was gone, the nurse that I will never forget, Sherry, asked if we wanted someone to come take pictures of Jaxon after he was born.  I'm sure she mentioned the organization Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, but I don't remember that part.  So about an hour after Jaxon was born, in walks the sweetest woman I know, Mallie Ray, our photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.  The thing I remember the most about those couple hours was her compassion.  She cried with us.  As she posed Jaxon, she talked so sweetly to him.  As I'm writing this, I am in tears remembering how she posed him while whispering in his ear how beautiful he was, she herself in tears.  Mallie, you mean the world to families like ours because of the way you love on us. 

Mallie had brought a lamb and a blanket and a hat for Jaxon.  They were all from moms who had also lost their babies and wanted to give something to future moms in remembrance of their children (I had to ask my husband because I honestly didn't hear a word she said, all I can remember is the way she was with my boy).  We have pictures of Jaxon with that lamb (I included that pic in my previous post) and also a couple with him in the little white hat, that I believe was handmade.  Let me stop right here and say- these pictures are such a blessing to have.  If I didn't have these pictures to remember Jaxon by, that ache in my heart would be so much bigger.  I can look at him every day and I will never forget his face.  I discovered we have the same feet by these pictures.  I can remember the red in his hair.  It is healing.  A lot of people don't understand it, they think it is morbid.  But let me tell you firsthand, these pictures will help a broken heart find joy by remembrance.  Some days they make me cry, some days they make me smile too- that is my boy and I get to see him every day!!! :)

We kept in contact through email because she would add Jaxon's pictures to her photo website that she has send me the link for.  I checked that website several times a day in hopes to see another photo of my sweet boy.  To fully explain how absent minded I was about everything that was said to me, I tried to pay her for the photos!  I wanted all of the pictures on a disk so I could print them whenever I wanted.  You see, I didn't even remember that she was from NILMDTS, I thought in my head that maybe she was a volunteer through the hospital and stepped in when a family wanted photos.  So I emailed her and asked her for the disk and how much!  Haha, Mallied said, "absolutely NOT!!!"  She explained again about NILMDTS and that she would definitely be sending me the disk, but that I could not pay for it.  Haha- God is so good.  :) 

After that, I remembered her saying something about facebook, so I found her on facebook and added her as a friend.  Then a few things started coming back.  I could hear a whisper in my head- she started a private group, ask her.  God was showing up for me :)  I private messaged her on fb and she immediately added me to the page.  Wow, and here it all begins...  

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