To sum today up in a few words- it was better than yesterday. I am just sad and angry and I was stuck there. That has to be normal- anger is just a part of the grief right? Well, I'm not angry anymore, I don't think.
I spent some time in Jaxon's room today and poured my heart out to God. I don't do that nearly enough, which has had a negative effect on my faith. Yesterday I asked God to ease the pain in my heart and to bring me some of that peace that Jesus always talked about in the gospel. Here are a few of the things I found…
John 14:27- I am leaving you with a gift- peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid.
This peace that Jesus is talking about is the peace of knowing that we will be in heaven with God and all our loved ones. All our questions will be answered and the mystery of this world will be revealed. His plan will be revealed. We just cannot understand the entirety of what that means while we are still living on this side of heaven. But we can hope… this hope is not the hope that we think of often, like I hope I can conceive again or I hope we get that house. This hope is truth. It is solid, it is a promise that will be kept.
Isaiah 55:8-9- "My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the Lord. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."
So God doesn't operate the way we do. I feel like God owes me an explanation because in my mind, if I understand what He is up to then maybe I will feel better. But then again, no it won't make me feel better. Like I said before, I am not ready to accept that my son was sacrificed to help another. But wait- what??? I am not ready to accept that my son was sacrificed to help another. Wow, I am glad I am not God. I would be horrible at it! I am not ready to accept that my son's death is a part of a plan bigger than me.
I am selfish. For me to sit here and be mad at the same God that sacrificed His Son for me seems very childish now. He does for us something that we would never do for Him. God's ways are not our ways. If they were then He wouldn't be God. He gave me life, He gave Jaxon life, He gave all of us life… and He takes it away too. He doesn't owe me an explanation, although He does say one day we will know why.
He is good- well my definition of good lately seems to exclude pain. If God is good, then why does He let so many bad things happen? That's just a part of His plan that will be revealed to us on the other side. In the meantime we are called to trust. Humans have trust issues, we doubt, because we have all been wronged and we have all been made to look like a fool for trusting someone we shouldn't have. We fall for the one who deceives. This world is fallen because the devil is allowed to roam freely here and cause pain and death and deceit and guilt and doubt. God will put him in his place, but until then we have to trust in God's plan, not ours.
God's plan. I have finally accepted that part of God's plan is for Jaxon not to be here with me. He really is not my Jaxon, he is God's Jaxon. He was never truly mine to begin with, he is God's. (By the way, please don't ever tell me that this is all part of God's plan. Even though it is, it is a dagger in my heart. It hurts!!)
Psalm 139:16- Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
All the days written for Jaxon were already planned. Kate has tried to spell this out for me before, but I haven't fully accepted this until today. He was planned to be here for 38 1/2 weeks and that's it. I've heard this said over and over and over again, but I just couldn't believe that a God that planned for my baby to be here for only that amount of time is a good God. But He is, because His plan is bigger than mine. I am stubborn and hard-headed, my dad has told me that many times. Maybe now I believe him. God you have said this over and over and I still try to put your ways into my tiny box. They don't fit, they never will. Your ways are not mine.