So I start looking through the page and I see 3 women are a part of the group. Two of them have posted a picture of them holding their babies and a little bit of their story. I bawled like a baby seeing these pictures. One of these women is Amy. Immediately I can see that we have something in common... she posted about her jealousy of other women and their healthy births. It is such a vulnerable thing to say, because you don't want to make anyone feel bad, but it is the truth. But this is a safe place to say what you feel. By seeing that confession, I knew that I could feel safe here. So a few days after I scoped out the group, I decided to post my story. I shared with them a picture of me holding Jaxon that showed complete, broken sorrow. I admitted my jealousy and also my guilt. (I will talk more about my guilt later- I am currently working through a lot of guilt issues with Kate.)
Soon after I posted, Amy commented. We had a private message conversation that lasted a couple hours. It exhausted me, but in a good way. I was talking and sharing my struggles with her, a complete stranger! But it helped- I think it was the fact that I was sharing my load with someone, getting things off my chest. I will never forget her compassion either. She had just experienced her loss 2 months prior, but she was reaching out to me. She told me about this box that she received from a friend and she wanted to know if I wanted one? It was a Hope box.
Something I forgot to say earlier was that Mallie shared Amy's blog with me when she added me to the facebook group. I immediately started reading Amy's blog (I linked to it in my second post I think it was?). Wow, this girl is awesome. She was so brave for putting her story out there for the world to read, and she held nothing back! She said she was writing to heal. She was writing to remember the events of her loss and who was there and what they did and the conversations that were had. I thought, what a good idea. I need to get some things out and maybe this will help me to heal as well, so that was my inspiration to start writing. But being the introvert that I am, I set my blog to private and shared it with nobody until recently.
A few days passed and then Amy shared a website with our facebook group- www.hopemommies.org. I played around this website in awe. I read some of the blog and looked at info about a retreat they were going to have. How awesome is it that moms who have lost their babies are joining together to help each other?!? It seems natural for women to join together and talk and bond (haha-except for me it comes completely unnaturally), so why not grieving moms? It was here that Amy sponsored my hope box from- what a cool idea. I got my box in the mail shortly after I played around on the website. It was such a cute box, very comforting, especially the heaven booklet. I had so many questions about where Jaxon was, if he was still a baby in heaven or a man or a teenager. Does he still have a body, or is he this shining bright soul floating around up there? Although I didn't really get an answer about whether Jaxon is a baby or a teenager, I often think of him as a teenager. I think of him as being a lot like his daddy, a kind heart, except untainted by the ways of this world like we all are. Jaxon opened his eyes and saw the face of God- how awesome is that for him?!?
God knew this was going to happen. I'm not going to say He caused this to happen, because I don't believe that He works that way. He knows our lives and sees what is about to happen, and He "causes everything to work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose for them." -Romans 8:28 (I've clung to this promise so tightly these past couple weeks.) He works through so many different people and events to get you to where you need to be. It is this intricate web- my little brain can only see the surface, the events that I can see, but there are so many other events that have happened that I didn't see in order for this meeting to happen. God led me to hope mommies because He knew that I would need them. I think we often miss what God has laid in front of us to help us through our struggles. I missed a big opportunity to connect with these women when I decided not to go to the Hope Mommies retreat that was held in February. I actually just read on Amy's blog this morning about her experience with this retreat and I deeply regret not going. But that's not going to stop me.
Something Amy said one day, while she was on the news that has stuck with me (oh yes the news- God has already worked through her in so many ways to impact mothers like me). She said, "there is purpose in the pain." And I'm pretty sure I have found Jaxon's purpose. :) There is a plan that God is laying on my heart, "He is causing everything to work together for the good." It is up to me to follow Him as he leads me through this plan... and I am scared to death!!! Especially after reading what Amy posted in her blog this morning! But He spoke to me this morning as I read in my Jesus Calling devotional....
"Walk by faith, not by sight. As you take steps of faith, depending on Me, I will show you how much I can do for you. If you live your life too safely, you will never know the thrill of seeing Me work through you. When I gave you My Spirit, I empowered you to live beyond your natural ability and strength. That's why it is so wrong to measure your energy level against the challenges ahead of you. the issue is not your strength but Mine, which is limitless. By walking close to Me, you can accomplish My purposes in My strength."