So Monday was Healing Matters in Plano, Tuesday was sharing my testimony at bible study, and Wednesday was finally hope group time. Hope groups is something that was started in Hope Mommies as a way to connect with other hope moms and work through some of the junk associated with grief. It's centered around scripture, something that is desperately needed if you want to keep the devil from lying to you about who God is.
We all shared our stories, I was second to go. I started to share about Jaxon when E's dog (I'll just call her E to keep it confidential- E leads this group) kept getting on my lap, I'm sure she was smelling the exciting collage of animals on my jeans because my husband and I have a zoo in our apartment ;). Anyway, I welcomed the laugh when I was so close to crying. So I started again, "Things started to go wrong when they couldn't find a heartbeat... <and the floodgates opened>." And that's ok. They understand and not one of them gave me that uncomfortable look of horror, that look of suddenly they wanted to bolt because they unknowingly asked the wrong question.
There were so many different stories that night. But they all end the same... not one of us got to bring our babies home. One of the girls had a similar story to mine, with the exception that she didn't go to a birthing center, she went to a hospital- which I think was God's way of reassuring me that Jaxon's death was not a result of something I did or didn't do. I've been working on this with Kate, and I'll share more about that later when the time is right... I still have some feelings to sort out, but I no longer blame myself for what happened- thank God! That just makes it 10x worse.
After we shared our stories, we read some scripture. I saw this verse twice this week- once during bible study at IBC and again during hope groups:
"Why do you call Me 'Lord, Lord,' and don't do the things I say? I will show you what someone is like who comes to Me, hears My words, and acts on them: He is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. When the flood came, the river crashed against that house and couldn't shake it, because it was well built. But the one who hears and does not act is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The river crashed against it and immediately it collapsed. And the destruction of that house was great!"
My point is, I have built my house without a strong foundation. It has huge cracks. I grew up hearing God's word, but never applied it. I was regurgitating what I heard in church and I'm sure I looked like a big hypocrite. And I'm sure there will be times in the future that I will still do hypocritical things! Pastor Ed at Fellowship church is doing a series on this. He is hilarious :) He says, "When people say, 'oh I don't go to church because there are so many hypocrites there, I can't stand it,' I say oh no! The church isn't full of hypocrites! There's always room for one more!!" Ha- and he's right. We all hate hypocrites, but we are all hypocritically human. We are all hypocrites- especially if you don't think you are. Some just hide it better than others. ;) Anyway, I'm a little off topic...
So, let me try this again... My point is, my faith was shaken down to it's core. All that is left standing is this cracked foundation, my house fell. I was never forced to ask so many questions and to truly seek the characteristics of God before now. I'm so ready to have God fill these cracks and help me build my house again. I know He has great things ahead for John-Michael and me. I just have to be patient and trust, even when I don't understand. It's impossible for me to do things when I don't understand... but that's where God come in. He makes beauty out of ashes- literally. My son' ashes are displayed proudly on his memorial hanging in our living room. But Jaxon is not there. God made Jaxon beautifully whole again.
At the end of hope group we prayed for other hope moms that were new to the club no one wants to be a part of. This community is where you need to be if you have lost a child or lost children. God has huge things planned for Hope Mommies.