Sunday, March 23, 2014

it's in the details...

So as I was walking through the aisles of Hobby Lobby, I ran through the scrapbooking aisle to see if maybe I could find a photo album for Jaxon.  I have all of my pregnancy photos, baby shower photos, and Jaxon's newborn photos waiting to be put into an album, but I have NOT found the perfect one.  I just won't settle, it has to be the perfect one for Jaxon.  Anyway… as I was looking, there was this lady in the aisle on her phone.  It seems that she was talking to her daughter about her grandson.  She says something like, "I'm sorry Jackson (yea, she prob spells it the normal way :) )hasn't been sleeping for you honey."  Ugh, needles in my chest… As I turn my head to hide my scrunched up face, I look down and see a little baseball album… could this be Jaxon's album?!?  No, it was a small scrapbook album, not a photo album.  .

Now, I realize that my son is not the only boy with that name, and I'm probably going to hear it over and over again.  I've realized that I pick up on those things way more than I probably would if Jaxon were here with me.  (There were 4 pregnant women in Hobby Lobby by the way.)  My heart was hurting.  So I stopped and I had a little conversation with God.

God, I know you work in the little details.  You have made this day.  Is it possible that you have something here for me that will bring me joy?  I don't want to feel this pain today.  Is it possible that somewhere in the details of today I can find some joy?

I was about to leave, when I decided to look at the baseball stuff- a place I was a little too familiar with when I was pregnant with Jaxon.  I had my eye on this little baseball figurine, but every time I had gone, it was either not on sale or there weren't any left.  Well, guess what was there!?!?

It was the last piece to our little memorial we have for Jaxon in our living room.  We've been working on it since December…

The little pewter heart in the bottom is my baby's urn.  So small and so precious.  I know he's not really in there, he's up in heaven, but it gives me comfort to have his ashes so close.  My God has made my boy whole again.  I often think of my boy, not as a baby, but as a teenager.  Not sure why, but I do.  One day I will see him again and hold him in my arms like he is my baby anyway.  That makes my heart happy.  Thank you God for bringing me joy in the details of what began as another hard day.  You are faithful and You bring me joy.  

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