Saturday, September 20, 2014

A Big Neon, Flashing Sign

I recently started a second job.  My first job as a nanny has become drastically part-time since the new school year has begun, and to be honest, I was really looking forward to being lazy and only working that very short period of time each day.  I imagined doing P90X every morning to finally get rid of this last 15 pounds that has stuck around for the past 7 months, having a clean house every day, working on Hope Mommies outreach, getting all of the grocery shopping done for the week and cooking a healthy meal each night.  I was going to use this time for what I wanted to do.  But, since I typically like to have a Plan B, I filled out a couple of job applications here and there, and even went to an interview once.

As the summer progressed, I let these opportunities slip away.

You see, I felt like God was telling me to hold off.  We had just wrapped up the summer bible study on discerning God's voice, and I was really, really into being quiet in my morning time with Him and instead of praying about all of my troubles, I was simply just sitting quietly, listening for Him.  I felt Him say He had something big for me to do and I didn't need to fill up my days with a second job.  I didn't hear His voice, I felt His voice.

Now some might say (myself included), "oh, it was just wishful thinking because you really, really wanted to be lazy and not get a second job."  Well, maybe that was part of it, the human side of me.  Maybe it was, but I really don't think so.  Not this time.  I know that the devil loves to sabotage wherever he can, and he often uses shame and guilt to achieve his destruction.  And because of this, I would regain control of my thoughts and tell myself, No, I felt His voice.  Then I would say, God if you really want me to have a second job, bless it or block it.  Literally have it fall into my lap with a big neon, flashing sign.

And it did…

After a phone call that pretty much broke my heart in a couple of different ways, I realized that the plan I thought God was setting before me did not look like the way I had pictured it.  And this is not anything new.  The plan I had for Jaxon was not the plan God had for him.  I literally hung up the phone, realizing crap I'll need another job.  Not even 5 minutes had passed before I saw it- the big neon, flashing sign.

Immediately, I checked my email to calm down a bit, and a new message caught my eye.  The email read something like "Hey Michelle, we were wondering if you were still interested in working here with us?!?  If you are, email or call me back and we will get started on some paperwork!"

What I had pictured for my "free time" was not God's picture.
And He sure revealed that to me.
Once again.  

Sunday, September 7, 2014

30 Boxes and the Sacred Dance

On the evening of July 22, 2014, our summer bible study came to a breathtakingly beautiful and emotional close.  I ended up in tears as I witnessed a room full of 200-something women gather together in prayer to love on and encourage future hope moms enduring the loss of their beloved baby.

If you read earlier, on June 3rd, our bible study women committed to raising money over the summer in order to provide hope boxes for bereaved mothers in our community.  Several weeks ago, our total came in and we raised over $1,500!!!  That's enough to provide 30 boxes!! 

So that last night of summer bible study, each woman was able to write an encouraging note, pray over a hope box, or write out some scripture that would eventually wrap a future bereaved mother in Hope.  

Thankfully, I was able to capture this picture...

I found it beautiful the way the light glares off of this hope box in the foreground as these two women have their hands on the box, their heads bowed in prayer.  It's as if we can see that God himself was right there.  In the background you can see more women praying over the other boxes, and some women sitting in their chairs quietly praying in their seats and writing out scripture cards and encouragement cards.  I am so honored and happy and thankful and inspired and humbled and blessed to be a part of this bible study!

Later that evening, a woman came up to me and told me that her step-daughter lost her full term baby girl unexpectedly almost a year prior.  She told me how she talks about her daughter all the time and she would really like to get her a hope box.  As I began to tell her absolutely, she said, "well she's here tonight!"  

We were able to give her step-daughter a hope box that night, and I was able to chat with her a little bit about her baby girl.  By the way… she just happened to be visiting that week from Mexico.  Let that sink in for a moment… 

I was in tears by the end of the night.  Wow, God.  Just wow.  

Her step-mother later messaged me that night and told me how thrilled her step-daughter was to have gotten a box that night.  She burst into her bedroom that night gushing about how much she loved the bible that was in her box and how it was her favorite part.  

I loved hearing that!!  Selfishly, I love to hear of how my son, my Jaxon, is impacting others.  

This all started because my Jaxon died.  

My desire to be an instrumental part of this ministry is because my Jaxon died.  

These women are being reached with the hope of Christ.  Because we have the common ground of our resurrected babies in heaven.

Now let that sink in for a minute…

Suffering is not fun.  I hasn't gotten easier.  

This. is. not. easy. because. I. am. a. Christian.

There are times when out of nowhere, the reality of my dead baby sinks in all over again.    

I find myself always walking this thin wire.  Sometimes I fall to the one side and the depth of the sorrow and grief that comes along with this whole suffering thing consumes me.  I can't help but play that night in my head all over again.  I gave birth to a lifeless body.  I never really got to meet my sweet Jaxon.  I simply held his lifeless body in my arms.  He never saw my face.  I was robbed on a completely different level.

This is a life I would never have chosen, of course.  It hurts.  No one wants to suffer.  And yet we all do.  Things are just not the way they are supposed to be.  This world has gone wrong.  

And then the reality of heaven sinks in all over again.  My anchor, my hope, my real home is yet to come.  One day, things will be the way they were supposed to be.  Until then, I will continue to walk this thin wire.  Angie Smith describes it well when she calls it "the sacred dance of grief and joy." 

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

My Eternal Sunshine

This is me today.

Another day.  One day closer to meeting my savior face to face.  One day closer to spending eternity with my handsome little man.  My sunshine.  And one day closer to meeting the One who created him.

Sometimes I feel guilty for getting more excited to see Jaxon on that day than I am to see God Himself.  I mean, don't get me wrong… to meet the creator of all of this beauty.  Wow, that is beyond my wildest dreams.  So wild, it is hard to imagine.  Impossible to imagine.  Imagine accurately anyway.

You know that song "You Are My Sunshine?"  Yea, I sang that to Jaxon just about every day while he was growing in my belly.  And I used to wear this shirt all the time.  And obviously I still do.  It says "eternal sunshine."

 Here we are on August 20, 2013.  Please forgive the cheesy bathroom "selfie" and dorky face, ha!  I'm pretty sure I was thinking, "Huh!!  Kinda looks like a basketball down there!  Maybe Jaxon will be a basketball star instead of a baseball star?!?"  ;)

I long for that innocent joy.  Ignorant joy, rather.  I ache to have Jaxon in my belly again.

God I simply do not understand.  

But your ways are higher than mine.  

Thank you for giving me a son.  Thank you for giving me 38 1/2 weeks of ignorant joy with him.  And thank you for the gifts.  Gifts that Jaxon's life on earth is still pouring out on me, and my prayer is they keep pouring out over me and and John-Michael and our future children for the rest of our lives.  

The gift of awareness of grief.  
The gift of compassion.  
The gift of becoming a better parent, a better wife, a better person.  
The gift of becoming closer to You.

In all things, I give You thanks.  I give You all the glory.  You have and will continue to make good from this.

You are enough for me.    

Who knew that this shirt would come to symbolize so much of my sweet Jaxon… My eternal sunshine!