30 Boxes and the Sacred Dance

On the evening of July 22, 2014, our summer bible study came to a breathtakingly beautiful and emotional close.  I ended up in tears as I witnessed a room full of 200-something women gather together in prayer to love on and encourage future hope moms enduring the loss of their beloved baby.

If you read earlier, on June 3rd, our bible study women committed to raising money over the summer in order to provide hope boxes for bereaved mothers in our community.  Several weeks ago, our total came in and we raised over $1,500!!!  That's enough to provide 30 boxes!! 

So that last night of summer bible study, each woman was able to write an encouraging note, pray over a hope box, or write out some scripture that would eventually wrap a future bereaved mother in Hope.  

Thankfully, I was able to capture this picture...

I found it beautiful the way the light glares off of this hope box in the foreground as these two women have their hands on the box, their heads bowed in prayer.  It's as if we can see that God himself was right there.  In the background you can see more women praying over the other boxes, and some women sitting in their chairs quietly praying in their seats and writing out scripture cards and encouragement cards.  I am so honored and happy and thankful and inspired and humbled and blessed to be a part of this bible study!

Later that evening, a woman came up to me and told me that her step-daughter lost her full term baby girl unexpectedly almost a year prior.  She told me how she talks about her daughter all the time and she would really like to get her a hope box.  As I began to tell her absolutely, she said, "well she's here tonight!"  

We were able to give her step-daughter a hope box that night, and I was able to chat with her a little bit about her baby girl.  By the way… she just happened to be visiting that week from Mexico.  Let that sink in for a moment… 

I was in tears by the end of the night.  Wow, God.  Just wow.  

Her step-mother later messaged me that night and told me how thrilled her step-daughter was to have gotten a box that night.  She burst into her bedroom that night gushing about how much she loved the bible that was in her box and how it was her favorite part.  

I loved hearing that!!  Selfishly, I love to hear of how my son, my Jaxon, is impacting others.  

This all started because my Jaxon died.  

My desire to be an instrumental part of this ministry is because my Jaxon died.  

These women are being reached with the hope of Christ.  Because we have the common ground of our resurrected babies in heaven.

Now let that sink in for a minute…

Suffering is not fun.  I hasn't gotten easier.  

This. is. not. easy. because. I. am. a. Christian.

There are times when out of nowhere, the reality of my dead baby sinks in all over again.    

I find myself always walking this thin wire.  Sometimes I fall to the one side and the depth of the sorrow and grief that comes along with this whole suffering thing consumes me.  I can't help but play that night in my head all over again.  I gave birth to a lifeless body.  I never really got to meet my sweet Jaxon.  I simply held his lifeless body in my arms.  He never saw my face.  I was robbed on a completely different level.

This is a life I would never have chosen, of course.  It hurts.  No one wants to suffer.  And yet we all do.  Things are just not the way they are supposed to be.  This world has gone wrong.  

And then the reality of heaven sinks in all over again.  My anchor, my hope, my real home is yet to come.  One day, things will be the way they were supposed to be.  Until then, I will continue to walk this thin wire.  Angie Smith describes it well when she calls it "the sacred dance of grief and joy."