Friday, March 21, 2014

a bad day...

Today I am so sad.  The pieces of my shattered life are still on the ground because I can't let go of why?  My search in the bible for answers only leads me to more tears.  Why can't I let this go???  I want peace in my heart, and today I feel like the only way to get it is to find answers.  I looked through Ecclesiastes and through the Psalms.  All I find are the same questions.  Nobody knows the answers.  The only answer is to hope and to praise.  Why is that so hard for me to do right now?!?  It was easier a couple of weeks ago. 

Ecclesiastes 7:10-  Do not say, "Why were the old days better than these?"  For it is not wise to ask such questions.
(well duh, but easier said than done!!)

Ecc 7:14-  When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other. 
(ok, fine! so God made all the days, including the day that my baby died.  So what am I supposed to think about you God?  How do you think we will respond to that?  You make bad days too?  I thought you were good?!?  And the reason for the bad days was because of the devil.  But you're allowing the devil to be here... when are you going to end this meaningless time?!?!)

Ecc 7:1-4- A good name is better than fine perfume, and the day of death better than the day of birth.  It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart.  Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart.  The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure.
(Ok, the day of MY death might be better than the day I was born because I will be so close to seeing my son again, but it is not the same thing as my son dying... that is just not supposed to happen.  And why is sorrow better than laughter?!?  Anyone who has suffered through the death of their child can definitely relate when I say that the happy days are way better than the sad days.  If this is what being wise means, then God I don't want to grow up!!)

God, I am not ready for this.  I am not ready to be ok with this.  I said before that finding purpose in this pain makes me feel better.  Well not today.  God, you are asking me to help other people at the expense of my son.  This is not fair, this is not right, this doesn't help me or my sorrow.  I'm sorry but it's the truth.  I don't want this and I am so angry and so tired.  Where are you God?  I thought you were near to the brokenhearted?  I'm waiting...

Psalm 143:7-8
Answer me quickly, O Lord; my spirit fails.  Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit.  Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you.

God I need peace in my heart.  You know me, you knew this would happen since before I was even born, you know the events that will take place years from now.  How am I going to get through this?  Please ease this pain in my heart.   

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