I find myself having "an off week." Probably more like an off month. Jealousy, fear, judgment, low self-worth. Yikes, I said it- low self-worth, low-self-esteem. And you say, "What? You're an adult and you still struggle with that?" At least for me, I feel like if you're an adult, you should have figured out by now that you can't rely on others to define you or to make you feel worthy. But, yet still I struggle with this big time. And it began way before I lost my son. Actually, let's be completely honest here… I have had "an off 31 years!"
I think in some form or fashion, we all have pain and it begins in childhood. Some have it so much worse than others, yes, but pain is pain. If we compare and say, "well she hasn't been through what I've been through," then we are devaluing her pain. Paul says in the book of Galatians, "For the whole law can be summed up in this one command: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" Galatians 5:14
I think we get caught in this trap of feeling sorry for ourselves.
This is what I've had to endure, it's not fair!
How can anyone complain after knowing what I've been through?
My friends, this isn't limited to losing a child. This can be about child abuse, spousal abuse, being fired unfairly, getting a rumor spread around about you.
I think it is important to recognize who we are in God. God tells me that I am worth dying for. In all my ugliness, in all my judgmental thinking, in all my pain, in all my insecurities, in all my flaws, I AM STILL WORTH DYING FOR, even while I still sin. We who have accepted Christ's gift and are willing to follow his perfect will for our lives, are called to "be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Whenever you are having an off night or an off day or an off week or month or year even, don't declare it. When you declare it, it becomes true and you find yourself settling for something less than what God made you to be. Now, please don't get me wrong. We are grieving, and it sucks, and you WILL have off days, weeks, months, etc. Especially when life hits you with bullets that have nothing to do with our losses- the pain gets heavier exponentially! But don't let it define you. Keep reminding yourself that you will one day know all the answers and you will one day SEE the one who thinks you are worth dying for. You will live eternity with the God who created you to be joyful!! Live in eternity. Right. Now.