I have a confession to make…
I recently reacted harshly towards someone very dear to me. My reaction was the result of listening to this faint whisper in my head- "say how you really feel." The next thing I know, I'm up-chucking these harsh, blunt, and judgmental words. I fell into satan's trap. Years of holding back and neglecting to work through this issue in my life has created this anger and resentment inside of me, and BAM. Satan won that day. I let him take control and I reacted in the exact way he was hoping I would. It was a disaster. I look like a hypocrite and I feel like a fool.
I've spent the last week thinking and praying about what to do about it now, and talking with my counselor. I've been writing out my feelings, and reading them out loud. I have been physically and mentally and emotionally exhausted.
Have you ever felt like you can fix people? Have you ever felt that if you could just say something or do something in the right way, someone would "see the light" and be fixed?? Yea, don't do that! Because you know what is wrong with that picture? You lose sight of where the work needs to be done in your own life. God convicts those that choose to follow Him. Not me, I can't do the convicting. Do I get angry when I see something wrong in this world? Sure I do. But my reaction and delivery should walk a very fine line. Because we all sin.
I am a work in progress. I will be a work in progress for my entire life as long as my eyes are fixed on Jesus and I follow Him. He is making me new all the time!
Jaxon's death has given me a beautiful gift. It's given me the desire to grow. I have a desire to be who God created me to be, finally. It's not the easy way, but it is the beautiful way. :)
To paraphrase my pastor, Ed Young-
I am God's art.
I am His masterpiece.
I constantly try to turn it into a disaster-piece by following my own will,
But as I let Him take control over my life,
He is making me new.