At five months out, I can say that it does get a little easier. I miss my little man and I always will. My aching is getting lighter and my emptiness sometimes feels as though (dare I say it?) it is being filled. Maybe it is because I've cried a lot recently. Maybe it's because I am learning to carry this better.
Saturday, we took my dad to a Ranger game at the good ole ballpark in arlington for his birthday. Baseball will always remind me of Jaxon. His room is covered in baseballs. It was a good day, and was a great game (even though we lost in the 10th inning- yes the 10th. By 1 run!) I just pictured Jaxon watching the game with us from the best seat in the house, maybe on Jesus' lap. I dream that he sees us down here every time we are happy, and that he knows that we are only sad because we miss and love him so much. Before he knows it, we will be right there behind him, running to hug him.
Yesterday (Sunday, the 13th) was our 5th "Jaxon day." I've been posting a picture of my boy on Facebook on monthly anniversaries for the last couple months, but yesterday I decided to leave technology alone and just be with John-Michael. We bought another candle, which seems to have been our tradition when remembering Jaxon. This one is dark blue and matches the colors in his room beautifully. We bought some blueberry pie and chocolate chocolate chip ice cream and had a little party in honor of our Jaxon.
We still haven't changed much in his room. All of his clothes are still hanging up in the closet, his crib and changing table are still out and put together, and his dresser has become a second memorial to him. Sometimes I go in there and just sit and talk to him, talk to God, cry, and look at his sweet face in all of his pictures.
We finally filed our taxes today, ugh. Hard day because we tried to explain to our tax lady several times why we don't have a social security number for Jaxon. I guess she didn't quite understand what the term "stillborn" meant, so after the 3rd time trying, I said quite bluntly, "He was dead when he was born." I think it hurt John-Michael more than it hurt me when I said it. I hate to see him hurting. Men grieve so differently.
But, in spite of all of the pain, I came across a couple verses that I am just in love with today…
For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! 2 Corinthians 4:17
I have to say- right now these troubles are quite large, but compared to what they will seem like when we reach heaven's gates, I have to believe they will be quite small! Because...
I know the lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me. No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice. My body rests in safety. For you will not leave my soul among the dead or allow your holy one to rot in the grave. You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever. Psalms 16:8-11