Thursday, April 3, 2014

hope box gathering

Back on the 18th of March, I went with Amy to help her "host" (more like watch her host) a hope box gathering at her church.  I remember being SO NERVOUS walking into that church, thinking I was just going to cry the whole time while we talked about our babies and asked these women to join together and make hope boxes for other moms like us.  I have this tendency to totally work myself up over something that may or may not come true, and I play out every single stupid scenario and agonize about how it would go.  My brain is such a mess!  You know, I've heard you can totally make things come true if you think about them too much.  And I think there is a lot of truth in that.

So anyway, there we were in front of these women (sweethearts!) and Amy starts sharing.  I'm sure she knew I wasn't ready to speak my story just yet- I told her while walking into the church how nervous I was.  And in email too!  Yea- BIG CHICKEN right here!  Oh yea, and this just so happened to be the 6 month anniversary of her daughter's death- this girl is so BRAVE.  Can you see why I'm in awe?  Anyway, gush session over. :) So all the women have made their way in and it's time to start.  Amy begins telling her story, she introduces me (and I sheepishly wave like a dork), she starts going through her box and explaining the items and what they mean to moms like us, answers a few questions and then its over.  Nice, I didn't have to cry in front of a bunch of strangers and I lived another day! (I'm totally being sarcastic here, hopefully you picked up on it.)

For some reason I feel like I have to mention, this was a very hard week for me.  I don't really know what triggered it, other than a couple days before this, I wrote Jaxon's story down and relived every moment of november 12 and 13.  I was doubting the goodness of God during this time.  I had a front row seat to witness how God was working in someone's life- to make something good out of her pain. And it was very inspiring, yes.  But, I was still doubting His goodness.  I guess there's really only so much hope you can borrow before you have to find your own.  That Friday, I had an awful day drowning in the whys of my loss.  It didn't matter how inspired I was a few days before, I still had a hard time with trust and doubt.  I think this just goes to show how God works.  Real change, real trust and faith, real growth doesn't develop by watching others do it- you can't copy or mimic that.  It happens by going through it yourself.  By asking the questions and seeking through the bible and feeling the answers in yourself.  It is a personal relationship with Him.

So, fast forward to this Tuesday, April fool's day (barf!! with all the pregnancy pranks), and we are collecting the items for the hope boxes.  These women went above and beyond with this!

These women wrote down some verses like Romans 15:13, Isaiah 61:3, Psalm 46:10, Lamentations 3:22-23, Psalm 56:8 (go ahead- look these up now!) and several other good scriptures to help someone grieve.  We gathered around the boxes and prayed over them.  Yea, and about that- I cried through my prayer, of course- that's me, why wouldn't I?! Ha!

My point is, this ministry is so good.  When I got my box, the contents in it immediately ministered to me.  It gave me a community and I wasn't alone anymore.  I didn't know where to start, and this made it easier on my missing brain (which I still haven't gotten back- I think Jaxon took half of it with him when he went to be with Jesus).  The fact that a complete stranger is able to provide so much love and comfort is nothing short of a miracle- and that is what God does for us.  This is how He works in us.  And it's warms my heart to see that our babies have an impact on this world when they aren't even here.  It makes me feel like I'm doing my motherly duty by making sure that my boy had a purpose.  I want Jaxon to be proud of his mamma and one day he may even be able to call me brave.  :)

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