Friday, April 4, 2014

hope box delivery

At the hope box gathering, a girl came up to us and told us about a friend of her friend that recently lost a baby.  She wanted to know if we could get a hope box to her, so of course, we set one of the boxes aside for her friend.  I took the address and decided I would take it out to the girl on thursday morning (yesterday).  Later that night, the wave of anxiety hit.  What do I say to her?  What if she doesn't want one?  What if all I can do is cry- how helpful is that?!? (btw, the box I delivered was the one I pictured in my last post- it was gorgeous!)

I didn't know this family, I didn't know many details of their loss, or what to expect with how she was grieving.  I just wanted to be whatever she needed me to be for her.  Whether that was dropping it off and leaving, sharing my story with her, listening to her story, or just a big hug- whatever she needed.  Everyone is so different when grieving.  Of course, I played out every scenario in my head and thought way too hard about this.

The girls at hope group prayed for me last night, my mom prayed for me, and my musketeers prayed for me.  And I prayed the whole way out to their house.  Ok- so I know God heard these prayers and he wasn't going to let me get in the way of His plan for this delivery.  As simple as it was supposed to be, leave it to me to make it complicated.  ;)

As I pull up to their house, I finish writing in the card that goes in the box.  I had asked the girl who told us about this family to send me specifics so I could make the message in the card more personal- like "I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter <insert name here>."  It means so much more getting a personalized message rather than a generic "sorry for your loss" type message.  I left, still no reply.  And go figure… just as I pull up to their house, I get a reply.  "I believe around 20 weeks-girl-unsure of name."  Ok, now I have a little more of a clue what to say.

I finish up the card, say a last "please Jesus speak through me" prayer in my head, and I walk up to their door.  There was this beautiful potted tree with orange flowers all over it, I've seen these flowers everywhere- but sadly I don't remember what they are called!  I want one of those trees for our patio :)  Anyway, as I ring the doorbell, I notice the door was slightly opened already!  Weird I thought.

A guy answers, a young guy.  I quickly blurt out, "Hi this box is for <keeping their identity private>.  It's from Hope Mommies, we heard about your loss from a friend of a friend…."  I don't remember exactly what was said, but I felt the awkwardness coming out of me.  He said something like, "great, thank you!"  He did have a smile on his face :)  And then I see a young girl poke around the corner inside the house.  She smiles at me and I smile at her and wave.  He says, "well we were just leaving, sorry about the open door," and so I took that as my cue to leave.  As I left, I said, "ya'll take care!" Umm… what?  Take care?  Ok… now we know what not to say next time.  

I realize that I am my own worst critic.  I'm asking God to work that out in me.  I have the tendency to think I should say the perfect thing to create a scenario that I picture would be best.  And as I'm typing this I also realize- this is the very thing I wish people wouldn't do when talking to me about Jaxon.  There isn't a perfect thing to say.  There are definitely some wrong things to say though, and we usually say those when trying to say the perfect thing.  Thank goodness I didn't say one of the wrong things!  But I believe God took care of that, because I asked Him to just let me be what they needed me to be for them.

1 John 3:18-20 NLT
Dear children, let's not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions.  Our actions will show that we belong to the truth, so we will be confident when we stand before God.  Even if we feel guilty, God is greater than our feelings, and he knows everything.  

I read this verse last night, and something new popped out at me.  I've heard this one before and I just took 'actions speak louder than words' out of it.  But I got something else this time.  I got 'God knows our hearts, and that's what matters!'  He's trying to tell me I'm not the inadequate girl I'm always telling myself I am.  

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