Thursday, April 10, 2014

holding back…?

This past week, I've had a couple encounters with people that didn't know I was pregnant and lost Jaxon.  Let me tell you, it sucked…

The first was a lady that I met about 6 years ago, when I would take the little girl I nanny for to Kindermusik.  A kindermusik class usually lasts around 45 mins or so, and you just take your little ones there to explore music and movement- it's fun!  So anyway, this lady was just an aquaintance from Kindermusik, she has twin boys.  I haven't seen her since the class ended 6 years ago.

So, last week, I was at the park and here she comes with her now 7 year old boys.  At first, I didn't recognize her, but she recognized us.  We found ourselves sitting under the gazebo, talking about the kids and how fast time goes by, etc.  Then she asks the question.  "So do you have any kids now?"  My immediate response was, "no, not yet."  Wait- what?!?

Then, a couple days ago on Tuesday, I had dinner with a friend who was going to introduce me to someone who works as a dental hygienist for children.  We had a previous conversation where I thought, wow that would be cool to be able to clean children's teeth!  (Ha! Well, after a second thought… maybe not so much...)  But anyway, I went ahead and agreed to meet with her anyway- what's the harm, right?

So we start talking about it and like I already knew, you need an associates degree, and a lot of labs and internship time and study time… ummmm…NO.  I'm done with school for now.  I will go back if and when the time comes in about 10 years- after I have kids and they are in school.  Nothing is going to make me hold off on having kids for another 2 years.  I said these things to her, and she had no idea why I was saying them.  That was a perfect opportunity to tell her my story.  And I didn't.

These things just suck!  I know it's hard to talk about losing Jaxon, and I just want to cry anytime I do talk about him, and I should give myself grace, and we should judge each situation, and maybe not make other people uncomfortable by talking about it.  But you know what?  After not talking about him and feeling so guilty immediately afterwards, I know I want to talk about him.  This isn't for everyone, and I know that.  Please, don't let me make you feel bad for not talking about your child, because I know how that feels too.  My husband was a little upset and surprised with me when I told him that I said I don't have any kids yet.  It just made me feel even guiltier… and don't get mad at him either, because that is a true, heartfelt response from him that comes from the love he has for Jaxon.  

But I'm choosing to talk about him.  You never know whose life you will touch, whose life you will save by telling these stories.  We have hope of seeing our babies again because of Jesus Christ and the promise He fulfilled.  And some acquaintance might not have that same hope.  Everyone has hardship.  Everyone.  It's not if the hardship comes.  It's when.  Having hope is what this life is all about.  Pressing on and having peace in a hard, cruel world.  It sounds impossible, but it's not, I promise.  

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