Tuesday, May 6, 2014

growth part 2

In the last 6 months, I have grown so much…

As soon as we learned that Jaxon would no longer be with us on earth, I was overcome by this supernatural peace.  I think it was peace combined with shock, for sure.  But never once did I think we wouldn't make it.  I was actually making jokes that next day, trying to lighten the mood in our hospital room.  Now that, my friends, was the work of God in my heart.  Not shock.  I knew that we would be okay.  I also knew that it would be an uphill climb that we could not do alone.

Immediately, we were being taken care of by the hands and feet of God.  I want to take a minute to share what the most helpful things were-

Showing up.  We had friends that just showed up for us.  They didn't ask when would be best for us, and they definitely didn't choose to stay away.  They were there and that's all that mattered.  God uses us, even when we don't have a clue he is using us! ;)

Love.  These friends just listened and loved.  If it was jokes that I needed to make and have someone laugh at, or a shoulder that I needed to cry on, or a hug that needed to be given, these friends just let me do what I needed to do.  They didn't try and force their logical/philosophical/theological understanding of the situation on me.  They just listened and loved.  No advice needed.  There are no words and there is no "right way" to handle the death of a child.  They didn't try to fit our grief into this little box of what they thought grief needed to look like.

Support.  About a month after Jaxon died, God put Hope Mommies into my life.  Since then, I have seen what grief looks like on so many different women.  I have heard their stories and I have shared mine.  I have asked God why?  I have fought with Him- believe me ya'll, He can handle it.  I sought the true character of Him, and He showed me exactly who he is- no doubt.  I have learned so much through the support of not only Hope Mommies, but through the support that surpasses all understanding- the support of God himself.  Amazing stuff!

There is no word to describe what Jaxon's death has taught me.  Something that comes close is Jaxon has given me a "gift."  I will never really understand Jaxon's whole purpose, or the impact he will have on this world in the future.  But I can see what his death has done for my life in the short 6 months since he left, and it isn't all bad.

I have sought God on a whole new level, and I've found him.  I don't just talk about him, I know him.

I am healing from wounds I've buried so so long ago, wounds that I wouldn't have discovered without Kate.

I am helping other women by sharing my story and grief journey with them.  Ya'll this is totally out of my comfort zone and uncharacteristic of the Michelle that I have known the past 30 years.  

My son's purpose on this earth was fulfilled before he was even born.  Only our God can do something like that…

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