Last Wednesday, May 7th, our hope group gathered for week 8, the final week of our study together. I ended up having a rough start… So I show up about 15 minutes late (no one's faulty but my own, I had agreed to stay at work late at the last minute- and of course traffic this day was just not going to let me be there on time, even though I should have had enough time… grrr!).
As I arrive with photo boxes and a bag of goodies in my hands, sweet Jodi comes out and offers to help me inside. Everyone was busy blowing up their balloons and writing sweet notes to their babies on the outside of the balloons. Awesome. I am so glad I am here :)
I get my balloon blown up and start to write. J… a… x... , BANG!!! It pops and everyone jumps, ha! Great. So I get another one, and this time I manage to get everything written without killing this one.
Onto the next… I had thought about who else I would make a balloon for and two families, both cousins of mine, came to mind. One family lost their precious girl to Trisomy 18 and the other family lost three babies all miscarriages. I feel such a sting in my heart for these families because as they lost their babies, I had zero idea of the pain they were going through. How could I? Now that I know, I just feel so much sorrow and regret even, that I didn't say anything at the time. Not a simple I'm sorry, not a question about the babies or a simple card in the mail. I get it, all the people that don't reach out, I do get it because I was one of you. You don't know what to say, and instead of making a fool of yourself, you choose to be silent. And now, on the other side of that tragedy, I know how empty a grieving mother can feel after the world moves on. And that sucks way more. I get that too.
So we start walking down the street to the nearby park. We see this couple walking their dogs- one of the dogs in a stroller because he has three legs… how precious! They want ALL of their doge to be able to enjoy the walk so they bring him in a stroller to enjoy it. I think I stop to appreciate little things like this even more now. It's so sweet.
Then we see this lady walking her dog, on our side of the street, and immediately we start hoping that she doesn't ask us a question we will have to awkwardly answer like, "Oh are you ladies having a baby shower?!" Or, "Oh what pretty balloons, what are they for?" And much to our gratitude, she simply smiles and continues walking. Thank you! :) Not so much that it is a hard question for us to answer, more like it will be a complete shock for her as she tries to process our answer. It's just uncomfortable having to smile through someone's look of horror as they immediately regret asking such an innocent question.
So we are about half way to the park, and suddenly I hear, "oh no, Michelle your balloon!" I look behind and off to the side I see my 2nd blue Jaxon balloon fly off to the sky. Needless to say, a couple of the girls and I headed back to the house to make another balloon for Jaxon. At first I was insistent that we didn't need to, but I'm glad they made me. I needed it. I mean, really?!? First I'm late, then my first balloon pops, and now my second balloon decides to fly away on it's own… What is up with that?!?
Anyway, the third balloon was indeed the charm, and we had a beautiful balloon release just before sunset. I cannot express the emotions that were running though my veins at that moment. This is exactly what my Jaxon did the night of Nov 12. As I was in labor, he was called home. His soul went to live in eternity and I am still here. The day he left gets further and further away as time moves forward. But also, the day I will see him again is getting closer and closer as time moves forward.