After we got back to the house, we dug into some scripture and shared some of our thoughts on the rest of the study and how we have grown. At the beginning of the study, we were to make note of the woman we wanted to be. The question was, "In light of my loss, what kind of woman do I want to be?"
At the time, my answer was actually all of the things I didn't want to be. I didn't want to be a woman that people had to walk on eggshells around. I didn't want to be a woman that sucks the joy out of a room. I didn't want to be a walking zombie. I didn't want to be a woman that crawls into a hole and hides for years, even though that's what every fiber of my human flesh wanted to do.
As the time passed, I found more and more of who I wanted to be. I want to be a woman that rises above the pain and sees the beauty that God made out of this crown of ashes. I want to be a woman that stands firm in the face of fear because I know Who is in control. I want to be a woman that has compassion for others that have to walk this journey and a woman that reaches out to them and tells them that they are not alone. I want to be the woman to tell them that God can make good from their tragedy, because He is doing that for me.
Elyse shared with us a scripture that spoke volumes to me, I didn't realize there was a verse that fits so perfectly with the way I have been processing this whole thing.
"It was not because of his sins or his parents' sins," Jesus answered. "This happened so the power of God could be seen in him."
A few months ago, this thought crossed my mind. Why? There has to be an answer and when I find that answer this will all make perfect sense. Was it my prayer for a meaningful testimony? Was it because I am a horrible friend and need to learn about compassion? My husband thinks it is because he was such a horrible teenager, is it that? Why God? If this happened as a punishment, that is so cruel!
No, no, no, no. I do not claim to know why. I don't claim to have gotten an all-knowing answer from God that miraculously washes the questions from my mind. But I believe Jesus when he says, "this happened so the power of God could be seen in him."
I choose to believe God when he says that He will make good from this. Romans 8:28
I choose to believe him when he says He makes beauty out of ashes. Isaiah 61:3
I choose to be a bright light in spite of the devil's scheme to fade me out into his darkness. 2 Cor 2:11
The devil hates me, no doubt. He wants to turn me into someone that people walk on eggshells around, someone that sucks the joy out of a room, a walking zombie. That is no good, that is darkness and that is death. The power of God is the only thing keeping me from becoming those things. My flesh is so weak, and believe me, I have days where I just want to scream at the world and go hide in my Jaxon's room and cry.
But the power of God gets me out of bed every day. I know where Jaxon is and I have a glimpse inside of eternity because of my son. I have a deeper relationship with my creator, I can feel His love surround me and comfort me when I am too weak to do anything but cry.
Wow! Guess I had a lot to say there… back to the hope group :) We had cake and made hope boxes together for our last meeting, and it was so wonderful. To be sitting alongside other women who have experienced tragedy to the same degree as me, and to see smiles on their faces, and laughter. This is beauty my friends. This is the beauty that rises from the ashes when Christ is in control over your life.