Wednesday, May 28, 2014


A few days after my appointment with Dr. Ward, I got a phone call from her with some news.  But, let me back up a bit.

We had elected to have an autopsy done on Jaxon.  I remember the decision being an easy one, something that we didn't even hesitate over.  His passing was so unexpected.  We wanted to know if there was something wrong, if there was something we had missed.  We wanted to give our next baby the best possible chance to live.

When I last spoke to Dr, Ward, it had been 6 months and we still hadn't gotten a final autopsy report.  As far as we knew from the preliminary results, everything was fine.  Jaxon was healthy, all of his organs, fingers, and toes were in tact.  For the last 6 months, Jaxon's death was a big questions without an answer.  But Dr. Ward contacted the guy that did Jaxon's autopsy and talked with him about what he found.

I feel like I have to mention here, that some people think if you find out what caused something like this, then you get "closure."  It really takes away how significant this type of loss is.  Getting closure on something suggests that it is time to move on now, because you have an explanation.  There is no explanation that will bring this journey to an end.  I will find joy again, yes.  I won't let the passing of my son define my every moment here on earth.  But I will always miss him, I will always wish he were here with me instead, I will always think about what he would have looked like or how his voice would have sounded.  One day I will know, and only on that day, will I get "closure."  But closure won't be the right word for it then.  That day will be the beginning of eternity- something that I really just can't imagine at this moment.  

So here it is…
The final report...

My umbilical cord had an extensive amount of hypo-coiling.  That means that more than half of my umbilical cord had no coils in it.  The coils in the umbilical cord are what makes it so durable.  Not only that, but there were areas in my cord that were very narrow, making it harder for blood to reach Jaxon.  Usually when this happens, you  have a baby that is pretty small because the nourishment wasn't able to reach the baby like it should.  Jaxon was 6 lbs 12 oz and 22 inches long.  He wasn't a small baby, he was a decent size!  But that made his cord even more vulnerable to an accident.  Dr. Ward said, more than likely, his cord was kinked and he passed away.  He literally fell asleep and passed.

So many thoughts went through my mind when I found out.  The feeling that my body betrayed me came back full force.  I struggled with it for a day, and reminded myself that this was supposed to happen.  It wasn't a mistake.  God had the power to stop it and He didn't.  This was supposed to happen and my body made the cord that was supposed to be Jaxon's.  I choose to believe this.  My feelings are much different, but my choice is to believe what God says in the bible.  He knit my son together.  He numbered my son's days.  There was nothing I could have done differently.

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