Sunday, June 1, 2014

Return to Zero

I recently watched this movie.  It was on network tv- the lifetime channel.  I had seen A LOT of posts about this movie on facebook, in the Hope Mommies community, because it was about stillbirth.  Movies like this just don't get picked up.  I mean, people don't want to talk about our loss.  It makes people uncomfortable. (oh my gosh, I could go on and on about this topic alone, but I'll save it). Who would go see a movie like that?!?

Minnie Driver plays the mom, who goes in for a check-up, full-term, and finds out that her baby's heart had stopped beating.  The movie plays out all of the things we go through- everything "baby" that seems to be magnified and everywhere like babyshowers and pregnant women and newborns.  It had the well-meaning but stupid comments, the depression, and just the constant reminders of what is missing.  

There was a part in this movie that really hit the nail on the head.  The part they got right was the part where she was about to give birth and you see her face.  It was a face of deep, deep sorrow, but at the same time you could see a glimmer of excitement because she was about to hold him.  

Then came the pictures.  Oh, we had such similar pictures.  Let me tell you, the faces, they haunt me.  And we have pictures just like them.  So skeletal-like (is that even a word?), the sorrow just takes the flesh right off of the face.  Deep, deep grief. 

The whole movie had this tone.  Sorrow.  Depression.  Emptiness.  Life never got better for her.  She even had a look of emptiness when she held her second child.  Her wiggly, screaming, earthly child.  I don't get it.  And I don't want to.  I don't want to be like that.  Something huge was missing from her life.  Christ. 

I want to talk about my son.  I want to look at those people in the eyes who make stupid comments and educate them, not tell them to f**k off.  Although sometimes, yea, it takes a lot not to slap some people- haha totally kidding.  Maybe.  

I will be the parent that picks up her child every single time he cries, not because I don't know any better, but because I do know better.  I know too much.  The life of a baby is precious beyond words.  The sound of my baby's cry will be the best sound in the world.    

So no, Minnie Driver, it does get better.  These babies are in heaven.  We will spend eternity there with our Creator and our babies.  That is something to have joy about.  My heart is not empty because Jaxon is with Jesus.  Don't get me wrong, I miss him so much.  But my life is here with my husband right now.  I will go to be with Jaxon one day, but until then, my sorrow can't bring him back.  I will have children here on earth to love and care for and they deserve nothing less than a fully alive mother. 

The length of my range in emotions has quadrupled since he passed.  Yes, my heart knows deep, deep grief.  But if there's only one thing I can acknowledge, it's that my heart is more full than it has been my entire life.  I have more appreciation, more compassion, more hope, and more life.  Thank you Jesus.  

I am thankful that they made a movie to raise awareness of stillbirth.  People do need to be aware of how often it does happen and learn how to be more sensitive to those who are experiencing it.  But the movie disappointingly ended with emptiness.  There needs to be a sequel about Jesus replenishing her empty soul with joy.

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