growth

Today I sit with so much on my heart.  We are so close to Mother's day again.  We are so close to the 6 month anniversary of giving Jaxon back to God.  Tomorrow is the last meeting of the 8-week long hope group study.  So much has happened since last mother's day, since we lost Jaxon, and since I started going to hope group.  Here is my best attempt at recapping, because that is just what I feel like doing right now…

Last mother's day, I received a card in the mail from my mom.  It said, you are a mother because of the baby growing in your tummy and I can't wait to meet him or her and celebrate that baby in your arms next year.  Sweet anticipation of having a sweet baby in my arms, midnight diaper changes, getting up in the morning after 2 hours of sleep fueling myself with coffee and snuggles.  Feeling the baby kick inside my belly for the first time, finding out that we were going to have a son, my husband discovering where his son's head was positioned so he could interact with him and make him jump with the loudest kisses ever on my belly.  We cherished watching and feeling him grow in my tummy, I can gladly say satisfaction that we spent as much quality time with him that we knew how to spend.  We knew our son, even when we couldn't see him yet.

I am a mom, even when there is not a baby in my arms to hold.  I am still worth celebrating- the mother in me is still in tact.  

I carried him.  He has part of my DNA.  His blood flowed with mine, and mine with his.

And I'm not sure how I feel about mother's day this year.  I am going to try and not be sad the whole day in spite of the aching in my arms.  It is a huge reminder of the evil God has conquered through His Son.  I am so glad that I have the privilege of returning to my Jaxon one day, and to meet my true Father, the one who really breathed life into my lungs.  I am a mother, and my son is living with his creator!!  That is awesome… if that is not a mother's love, then people what am I?!?  Sounds like a mother to me.

I feel so much more like a mother this mother's day than I ever did last year at this time.

Please don't be afraid of celebrating the mothers in your life that have lost children.  If you have lost a child, and don't feel worthy enough to be called a mother, think again friend… what else is the definition of a mother??  Each child, whether living on this earth or not, is still a child- and that mother will never forget that little soul that was once living inside her belly- you are a mother.