The word "healing."
I do believe I am healing, but I use that word pretty loosely at this point. Healing does not mean I'm getting over it. Those heavy grief days are still coming on strong for sure, but I'd like to think that one day they will be here for shorter periods of time and more days in between. Besides talking with Kate and reading/hearing other bereaved mothers' stories, I have had some very special things helping me with my healing process.
Back in November, I had something very tiny, but very useful given to me. A friend from bible study gave me a little journal, small enough to fit in my tiny purse. Yes, I have a tiny purse, and I love it because it MAKES me clear out my junk every couple weeks or so! :) Anyway, this little journal became a very good friend to me in the late weeks of november and most of december. I poured my soul into this journal at first. The good, bad, and the ugly. But mostly it began with bad and ugly, and that's ok. I think we have to get these things out, or they will eat us alive. Yell at God, throw a pillow across the room, scream and cry until you have no voice left if that's what you have to do. Get it out. And then, we have to pick ourselves up, dry our tears, and face another day, because we owe it to our babies to continue on without them. Like I said before, this story doesn't define me. It is a part of who I am now, but I will not lay down and let a sad story end me. This is just the beginning of a new me. So, I was spending a lot of time reading blogs, grief books, the Bible, cards and encouraging notes. I would read something really encouraging and write down tiny bits here and there so that I could look back to on a very hard day and give myself encouragement. Here are a few of the things I wrote myself for encouragement:
"...<insert bad and ugly here> ...I know you are in heaven with our Lord. I know you went from our love to the perfect and greatest love. You never knew the pain of this world. You never were betrayed, cheated on, made fun of, beaten up, or taken advantage of. You are with JESUS! I often imagine what you are doing. Are you an adult in your perfect body, or are you still a baby? Can you see me? Do you know how much we love you and how sad we are that we don't get to watch you grow? We are so selfish in our humanity, I am sad because I don't get to raise you. But GOD gets to raise you and how awesome is that for you?!?!? I can only imagine the time you are having. I love you so much my sweet rib kicker. I pray you are having a blast. I wish you a beautiful day my sweet boy.
I love you,
Mom :) "
"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7
"God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying." Revelation 21:4
"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." Psalm 46:1
"And we know in all things God works for the good of those who love him." Romans 8:28, even in Jaxon's death, because I believe and trust in Him, I know that good will come from this.
"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail." Lamentations 3:21-22
"Those who trust in the Lord will find new strength." Isaiah 40:31
"For this world is not our permanent home; we are looking forward to a home yet to come." Hebrews 13:14
"Jesus replied, 'You don't understand now what I am doing, but someday you will.'" John 13:7
"I do not have to know why everything happens since I know God is good, he loves me, and life on earth is not the whole story." Rick Warren
I love and miss you Jaxon. I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN. In the meantime, I know you are having a wonderful time that is beyond my wildest dreams. I am thankful that you only felt love and you did not feel pain. Life on earth is not the whole story.