This past Thursday was a very hazy, dirty looking day. A day where you look across the horizon and you don't see blue sky, you see brown, fuzzy sky. Yuck. But then, at noon, the wind started to pick up. I think I choked on my hair about 4 times before I could finish getting gas that afternoon! I remember thinking, how God worked in my life just like that a few weeks ago.
Last week, I wrote about ugly crying and choking on my own tears a few weeks ago with Kate, and how that was the beginning of some real healing. Let me explain…
There is something very scary about sharing your innermost thoughts with people. I've had a little practice by sharing with the girls at bible study, but this hurt is so different that I haven't talked about it much with others. I know that for many, counselors are not the answer, but Kate in many ways has been my answer. She has been there. She lost her daughter. And she heals with Jesus.
You know, when you are in your head trying to make sense of things, it can get pretty hazy in there. I mean, yes, I used to be able to go for walks and think about things and be able to come home feeling like I cleared my head. But when I think about something like my son dying, it doesn't clear up. It gets very hazy, which is why I'm writing it down in this blog. I need this to sort through my emotions and discern what God is telling me and what the devil is telling me. What happened to us is not normal. You expect your parents to go before you, maybe even your spouse, or a friend, but not a child. It's simply not natural. I had created some thoughts about why this happened to us, desperately trying to make sense of it. Thoughts like, "I've prayed for God to teach me how to be a better person. Is this how He answered my prayer?" Or, "I've done some yucky things in my life, is this what I deserve?" "There are so many powerful testimonies out there, I remember once I prayed for God to give me a strong testimony. Is this God answering that prayer? If so, what a crappy God!" "God, where were you?!?" It got ugly. I brought this up with Kate and what she said really hit me like a brick.
She said, "Michelle, do you think God knew your life from conception. Did He know that you would lose Jaxon even before you were born?" I said, "definitely, yes." (A timeline of events has happened to me that is, no doubt, evidence of God preparing me for Jaxon's death. Oh yea, He knew… more on that later ;) )
So then she asks a second question, "If God knew your life from conception, then was Jaxon's life already planned, or was it simply a response to your prayer? "
Jaxon's life was already planned.
I did not author Jaxon's life, God did.
Jaxon's death is not simply a result of something I prayed for.
Jaxon is a child of God, he is so much more than what I misconstrued as a misunderstanding between God and me.
I had created this guilt in my head, that somehow I caused this for Jaxon through my prayers. And just as soon as I realized that I didn't cause this through a prayer, I never thought of it like that again. Right then and there, I let it go. I had felt so bad with all of these unanswered questions hanging over my head. Putting blame on yourself for losing your child puts so much extra weight on your soul. So much unnecessary weight. And if I hadn't been open about those crazy thoughts in my head, I quite possibly would have never figured that out.
Have you ever inhaled while eating and a piece of food goes down the wrong pipe? Or laugh so hard that you inhale your spit? And immediately you can't catch your breath, because all you can do is cough, but not inhale? Yea, it's ok to bust out a laugh, my mother and I have laughed at each other on many different occasions for doing this very thing. Well, that day when God used Kate to comfort me and show me that I didn't pray Jaxon to his death, I cried so hard that I choked on my own spit and went into a coughing convulsion right there in front of Kate. Yikes, I can't help but laugh when I think about it. But that is ok, because once I did catch my breath, good grief, I cried some more and it felt good. It is hard to put it into words, but I'm going to try. Crying cleanses the soul. I cried because I realized that God knew I needed to hear that and He gave her the words to show me. He used Kate to hug me and remind me of who He is. I know that God knew that I needed someone like Kate and he led me straight to her. I cried because I was finally letting Him love me again and it felt good. I remembered that God was crying with me because He knows what it's like to lose a son. I felt lighter. That is what giving it to God truly means… I get it now.
And just like that, He took away the haze. And my healing began, because He cried with me.