Sunday, February 23, 2014

Anger and Jealousy

Ok, this is going to be rough.  I need to get this out.  I am extremely jealous of new moms and their babies.  This shouldn't be a surprise.  It hurts to see pictures on Facebook.  It hurts to see mommies with their babies in the grocery store because mine is supposed to be there with me too.  Sometimes, it just plain hurts to see babies.  I know I should't ask this question, but why God, WHY do they get to have their babies and I don't???  

I received an email last night from our birthing class instructor.  Apparently the group had a reunion and they all shared their birth stories and met each other's babies and I'm sure it was a wonderful time.  I can only imagine <insert raging jealousy here>.  Well, I got the follow up email to that reunion by mistake.  Complete with pictures.  Really?!?!?  I was able to shrug it off last night surprisingly easy.  But today, I saw it again… note to self- Immediately delete emails like this in the future!!!

Today I spent some time with my dear friend, Miranda.  We were so fancy, she took me to this cute little coffee shop where we drank fancy coffee out of fancy, crooked coffee mugs… Did I mention we were fancy? :) Ah, it feels good to smile through the tears :) Anyway, I shared the email with her and told her how I was able to shrug it off last night surprisingly well.  But as I listened to the words come out of my mouth, my heart began to sink, and I think she saw that.  I handed her my phone so she could read the email, and I actually think I saw a little anger in her eyes!  She gave me some good advice (as always) and suggested that I email her back and kindly request that she take me off the email list and suggest that she take note to do so in the future with similar situations.

So, I emailed her back when I got home this evening.  My words…
Hi Linda,
I'm glad you guys were able to catch up and the new parents were able to share the joys of parenthood with each other.  I am more than happy for all of them!  To say the least, the past three months have been rough on us, however we are doing very well considering.  I completely understand if this was sent to us by accident, but I must be completely honest here.  This made me hurt today.  Please be sure and remove our email from the group.  Thank you.
Kindest regards,
Michelle Garza

As I began reading her response, which was completely apologetic by the way, I began to get angry.  How could you forget?!?  Really, you forgot to remove our email from the list?!? Obviously our faces were NOT in that picture that you took the time to attach.  I mean, dang.  We spent 8 weeks with you! Were we that easy to forget?!?  I mean, if I were teaching that class, it would break my heart to learn that one of my couples' baby DIED DURING LABOR and I would never forget that.  Really lady???  I would be thinking about that couple all the time, and I sure as hell would make sure that I wasn't adding to their pain by being so careless as to send them an email shoving it in their face!! 

As I'm writing, I'm realizing that I was not completely honest with her in my reply to that email.  I do not completely understand if the email was sent by accident.  I am angry that she sent it by accident.  I am angry that God let my baby die.  I am angry that with all His power and miracle-waving fingers, He chose not to let me have my son.  I'm angry that this life is so unfair.  

But I'll leave it at that for now.  Tomorrow is a new day, but right now I am just plain angry.

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