Man, have I been through a season! A season that I felt ashamed to write about actually. I was a little embarrassed to read my last post. No, a lot of embarrassed.
God and I have done quite a bit of wrestling. I have questioned his goodness, his intentions, his plan, and the importance of the purpose in all of my suffering. And it didn't help that there was this thing they call depression clinging to my body like a cold, wet blanket. Nothing in the world was right, I saw no beauty, no purpose.
This season was gross. It was grief, depression, grief, a little bit of avoidance, and a little bit of resentment. Ok, a whole lot of resentment.
What purpose is good enough? Doesn't He value the life he creates? How could there be any "reason" good enough for Him to take babies so soon… on purpose? And please… if you don't know the pain of losing a child DO NOT attempt to explain it away with some cheap cliche. It adds to our grief to know that someone is "over it" because they have tied my baby's death up in a pretty little package with a nice shiny bow on the top. It is dismissive, and I'm sure it's not meant to be dismissive, it's meant to be helpful, but think about it…
If you fell and broke your leg and I say, "oh it was all in God's plan!" Did that help?
If your dog got run over by a car and I say, "oh God needed another animal up in heaven!" (pshhhh like he needs animals?!?) Did that help?
If your spouse cheated on you and I say, "oh it'll all be ok, just wait for God's timing!" Did that help?
And if your 10 year old son drown in a lake and I say, "oh God's protecting you or him from something worse!"
Get it???? No, not helpful. Hurtful.
Ok, I'm done with my soapbox. My point in all of this negative talk that makes "normal" people uncomfortable is actually simple…
If I hadn't felt the wave, accepted the depression, wallowed in my hurt, searched for the answers to my questions, I would have missed the growth. Sister, if you've lost a child, I know you are shaken down to your core. Anything good and sovereign about God that you once believed is tested to the max now. Everyone's relationship with God before their loss is different, heck, I thought mine was pretty strong, but comparing is a dangerous road. All I know is the house that I had built with Him, the relationship that I shared with Him, was completely knocked down to it's foundation. I found some cracks in it, and He has been revealing himself to me so that we can fill those cracks and start building again.
Be angry, be hurt, be broken, be whatever you are, but do it at the feet of God.
Bring it to him as an offering, because sister, He knows it's all you've got.
"'Deeply hurt, Hannah prayed to the Lord and wept with many tears.'
-1 Samuel 1:10
'I've been praying from the depth of my anguish and resentment,' she said. From the depth of her anguish and resentment. The good, the bad, and the painful- Hannah brought it all to her God as an act of worship.'" -quoted from this devotion at She Reads Truth
Did you catch that? Worship. When we bring our brokenness to the one and only Healer, it is an act of worship. Shoot, and all this time, we've been taught by the world to believe that feeling this way is not "grieving well." Well, sister, you just worship your heart out and don't let the devil trick you into believing you're doing it wrong. Bring it to Him. Search for His peace and just rest in it.
I am learning to be ok with all of these new feelings and experiences. Like when I catch a glimpse of Jaxon's perfect face on my mantle at the same moment my belly jumps in response to my precious baby girl playing in my ribs. Just like her brother :) The strange new mixture of sadness and joy flood my body in the same 5 seconds, it is just… confusing. I am sad that his will not be one of the faces welcoming her into this world, but am elated at the thought of holding this beautiful baby girl gift in my arms. And then I feel guilty for being 19 months out, which means that sometimes my excitement overshadows my sorrow. And knowing that it is ok to feel that way. I think the strangest I have felt was during the Mother's Day weekend, when my little baby Jensen was due. Jensen would have been in my arms that weekend, but if that were true, the beloved baby girl currently in my belly wouldn't exist. I wasn't overcome with sadness, just strange tingles. Confused? I don't even know what to call it...
With all of this being said, Happy July everyone! Happy summer, happy friendship, happy swimming, happy ice cream, happy life. My worn out, weary, broken self is welcoming a new season and I couldn't be more ready for it. The sun is out, I've got my shades on, my flowers planted, and I'm ready to smile and I'm ready to worship. I'm going to bring the good and the bad, the pretty and the ugly. And I'm going to be ok because I am His. :) And in case you didn't catch it, we are expecting a baby girl, due at the end of August!!!
My God, I thank you for life and I thank you for peace and redemption. I thank you for taking my sorrow and my anger and my resentment and not holding it against me. I thank you for washing me white as snow and gifting me with salvation and the unwavering hope of seeing my babies, all of my babies. Because I know, I do not deserve it.