God is sovereign.
God is good.
May I just say, "ugh?" (Please bear with me on this… I know what you are thinking all you "spiritually mature" Christians…) I know, I have been stuck here for a while...
What does being sovereign even mean? I think it means God is in control, nothing is a surprise to Him, nothing happens in this world without God's permission. The devil cannot pull a fast one on Him because He knows what is going to happen before it even happens. Ultimately, it is His plan that is coming into fruition. Not mine, not yours, and especially not the devil's.
When we say God is sovereign, we are saying God sometimes creates babies and then takes them, He allows suffering, and it is a part of His plan. And now I sit here choking as I have a million times while trying to swallow this jagged pill called "my ways are higher than yours."
In my humanness I am weak and confused, and I am broken and hurt and I am desperately grasping for some control. I question Him out of anger and grief. I miss the days where I felt like I was protected from harm, from tragedy, from death. It was then that God fit into "my little box." Is that what I really want? To limit God like that? No, of course not, because I want to know Him for real. But, I also really miss my son. I long for days of knowing my babies. What do they look like, sound like, and who would they be? God knows these things and I am so jealous. I just wish they were here. I wish life was fair.
For the past year or so, I have fiercely protected my idea of what His goodness looks like inside my little box. Don't you dare say that the babies that died inside of me, or you, or her, were a part of His plan. (Although I am learning it is ALL part of it- yes still choking on that pill.) We walk a dangerous line when we try and assume causation. It is cruel and wounding. Babies dying is very, very wrong. God mourns these babies too, and I doubt He would say, "oh don't be sad, I am in control, it is all in my plan... I did this to teach you something... I did this so you could grow strong, you were getting weak... I did this because I was protecting you…" No, no, no. Instead, he cries over death, because it wasn't supposed to be this way.
We will know when we see our Savior face to face. He will make things right. Then, and only then, will I be capable of understanding any reason for a baby to die- when the veil of sin is lifted and the tears wiped away and all things are made new. We will understand on that side of heaven, not this side.
Because His ways are higher.
His goodness and sovereignty and boxes don't belong together. And I will keep learning this over and over until I don't have to anymore. It will take a lifetime I'm sure.
I was so timely reminded of biblical hope again when I watched a dear sweet Hope Mommy friend's testimony this week. Her husband says, "If we're hopeful it's because things will someday be made right, and all things sad will come untrue, and darkness will be swallowed up in light, and joy will run rampant and all will be well."
Such a sweet reminder of who our God really is and what He is up to. He really is good, even when we can't see, even when life is not fair and our babies die. It is not my job to fit His goodness and sovereignty into my human box. That is the devil's scheme. I serve a God who is limitless, who is higher. I serve a God who has good things for me and who loves me beyond comprehension. He is sovereign AND He is good.
When all the questions settle and the pride fades, when my heart is soft and my mind is open, when my focus is on Jesus, I begin to feel peace again. When I forget my box, I can feel His love and goodness again. I trust His sovereignty. I feel the hope of heaven flood my being and a smile can finally move across my face again.
We are called to be hopefully and joyfully His.
Why do I fight so hard to limit Him? Do you?