I have a confession to make. It shouldn't come as a big surprise to you, but it kinda was to me. Before I tell you what it is, let me make one thing clear. Wherever this journey has taken me, it is ok. It is part of my journey and no one else's journey. And to be even more clear, it was no surprise to God. So here it is…
I have been depressed. Depressed where I literally spent some days in bed. Days where I talked with no one, and days where I felt sick and my body hurt. The depth of this sorrow and the realization that missing my Jaxon is not going to end just hit me like a brick wall. Physically, mentally, and spiritually. Out in the world, I couldn't tell my story without crying. I would avoid sharing in bible study in fear of losing it and looking like I didn't have it together like I "should." I spent many days at work and barely would say anything. Not because I didn't like who I was with, not because I didn't enjoy my job, but because it just took way too much energy to be "normal." Does that make sense?
Perhaps my miscarriage had something to do with it. Hormones always play a huge role in depression and the way we physically feel. I don't think I shared what it felt like to miscarry…
We found out we were pregnant for the second time on September 24, 2014. Oh the joy we experienced that evening. We had been trying ever since February to get pregnant, however, our definition of "trying" was simply not preventing. I found myself in front of my sweet counselor, Kate, hearing her say rather sternly, "girl, if you are going to try, then TRY!" Ha. She gave me a list of things I could be doing from checking my temperature to peeing on ovulation test strips on a daily basis. So… This month we TRIED. And we were successful! My husband looked at the test first. I remember so vividly his face turn this bright red color with the widest smile spread across his face. I jumped and squealed and then cried with elation. Thank you God!
I immediately scheduled an appointment with my sweet Dr. Ward and they were so excited for us that we were scheduled to come in that Friday, 2 days later. We had a sonogram that confirmed we were pregnant, but we were still too early to really see anything other than a tiny little bubble of an amniotic sac. I was scheduled to come back in 2 1/2 weeks when we would be roughly 7 weeks, far enough along to see a baby and potentially a heartbeat. Oh that day couldn't get here fast enough!
October 15, 2014. The day we would see our second child. Also the day we would release a balloon along with many other hope moms to remember our babies in heaven. Oh, this day. This day is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. This day started with so much anticipation, anxiety, and joy (quite the spectrum). We got to our OB's office aaaaaaaand waited. I look back on this day and am soooooo thankful I had my husband by my side. I am so thankful that God chose this day to reveal to us that our sweet second was no longer with us.
The sonogram begins. Immediately, without hesitation, and with a sweet calmness and tenderness, Dr. Ward informs us that she suspects a blighted ovum. A blighted ovum? What in the world is that? She says, "I can't see a baby developing. At this point we should see something. I suspect this is a blighted ovum. This happens when the pregnancy begins, but shortly after, like in a week or two after conception, there is something wrong with either the sperm or the egg, and a baby never begins to develop. Your body is still reacting like it is pregnant, but there is no baby growing." With each word, I felt the weight of a house crushing deeper and deeper into my chest. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't speak, I couldn't think. Really God? You're taking from us again?
We went home and I immediately googled "blighted ovum." I know, not the smartest thing, but it was the only thing I could think of to figure out exactly what we were facing. I felt a tingle of hope for this little baby. I read story after story of women claiming to have been diagnosed with a blighted ovum, only to find out in their next appointment that the baby miraculously appeared, growing healthy and strong. I thought, ok God, this is your chance to show us a miracle, to show us you are faithful, to show us that you are sovereign and in control, to give me what I want.
Unfortunately, we were chosen to endure loss one more time. It was not in God's plan for us or for our second child, whom we named Jensen, to be together on this earth. We had another sonogram a week later that confirmed our baby Jensen was indeed with God.
November 2, 2014. Two weeks and four days of anxiety and fear later, my body began to release the microscopic body of our sweet Jensen. Just ten days before the first anniversary of our sweet Jaxon meeting the One who gives and takes away.
Enter defensiveness. Enter shame. Enter anger. Enter jealousy. Enter broken, tired, and defeated.
This was ugly. Enter depression.