Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Jaxon days

The summer seems to have flown by.  Actually, this year has flown by, it's almost August and yet it feels like forever has passed between now and last November.  Jaxon days (our monthly anniversaries) seem to come and go so quickly. 

June 13th marked our 7th Jaxon day.  My mom was still in town visiting from Iowa, and my hubby was working that morning.  We got a candle at Mardel's and lit up the mantle one more time.  The next day was the dinner with the grieving families of Baylor and the day after that was Father's day.  I remember John-Michael went to play golf that morning and we later watched the Spurs play the Heat in the NBA finals and our Spurs won.  JM found some joy that day. :)  The day after that was another Hope Mommies dinner and I was exhausted.  I am so thankful for these girls, I truly just needed to be with "my kind" after such an emotionally draining weekend.  I even got a belated Mother's day gift- a glass candleholder with Jaxon's name (spelled right!!) and date of birth on it... took me right to tears, it was very sweet and thoughtful. 

I feel like Jaxon days come and go so fast, yet too slow.  Does that make any sense?  I get stuck in the memories and the time drags on so painfully slow, but when the day is over, I want to hang onto it.  I want the world to stop on these days.  I feel so alone on these days, like the world around me is moving on without a care in the world while I look in from the outside, desperately wanting that life back.  I want to hear Jaxon's name come out of the mouths of the ones I love.  I don't want the world to forget him.  I know it is selfish of me, but I want each 13th day to be all about Jaxon.

Our 8th Jaxon day came and went just as fast.  It fell on a Sunday, I found myself at church, then at home with JM.  We went to get another candle and walk around in the mall.  We had a good day, just the two of us.  And then it was over.  Oh, how I wish we were celebrating milestones instead of Jaxon days.

13 is a horrible number... I really do pray that there will be a time when the number 13 doesn't remind me of November 13, 2013.   

I love to hear Jaxon's name.  I love it when the people I love say Jaxon's name, I wish I could hear it more often.  When I hear Jaxon's name, it doesn't remind me of what I lost.  I think about Jaxon every single day, whether someone says his name or not.  When I hear his name come out of a friend's mouth, it lets me know that they think of him too, that they love and miss him too.  It's what a mother longs to hear!  My child was here, and he is worth talking about and remembering.

I love the way he would let me know my torso was too short for his long legs.  Those rib kicks :)  His sweet baby toes that looked like mine.  And that hair!!  Wild and crazy hair just like mom.  :)  He jumped at the sound of daddy's kisses.  They will have a wonderful time in heaven scaring each other and making each other jump one day.  :)

On our 9th Jaxon day, I'm going to come up with something creative and fun to do.  This wave too shall pass... 

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