June 3rd part 2

So June 3rd comes around and I'm so nervous!  I practiced what I was going to say about 100 times throughout the day.  The way I was carrying on about it in my head, you would think I was going to give this hour long speech in front of a million people!  But no, it was a 5 minute interview…

Jodie was gracious enough to pick up on my nerves and suggest that we talk about Hope Mommies in sort of like an interview type fashion.  She would introduce a little of how I brought Hope Mommies to her attention and I would explain who they are and what they do.  Then she would introduce Jaxon's story a little bit and I would tie it in with how I received a Hope Box and how it ministered to me.  And then we would tell about the project- raising money to build Hope Boxes and I explained a little about what goes in each box and how we would get them out to future Hope Moms on behalf of our women at IBC.  So simple.  And yet I made it so hard!!!

So at 6:30 I get to bible study.  I meet up with some of the girls I've known for a little while and chat for a little bit (as I'm shaking in my flip flops.)  Time comes for us to pick our tables.  Here we go.

The first thing we do after we settle down at our tables is an ice breaker exercise to get to know the women at your table and introduce yourselves and chat a little bit.  We had to draw a piece of paper out of this basket and answer the random question that was on the paper you picked.  I was pretty much the last to go, so I got to hear most of the questions and plan my answers.  There were questions like "what is your favorite hobby," "what is the most random job you've had," and "tell us about something you have as a keepsake."  Oh crap, I thought, I hope I don't get that question.  Let me explain that I even get nervous introducing myself to a table of women, and the last thing I want to do right now is cry to these new ladies that my son passed away and I have A TON of keepsakes of him.  I did know some of the girls at my table, but most of the were unfamiliar faces.

But of course I drew that question.  And of course I ran from it like a chicken.  I believe I said something like, "the necklace I am wearing around my neck right now is a keepsake of my son.  And that's all I'll say about that!"  I quickly passed the basket of questions before I teared up and freaked these new ladies out.  :)

Ok, I survived that… now it's time for announcements.  I knew I was to go up at some point during this, but not sure exactly when.

The next 20 mins or so seemed to draaaaaaaag oooooooooon and I seriously considered bolting out of the side door.  But too late… It was my turn.

And I have good news :)  It went great.  :)

Yet again, God pushed me to do something way out of my comfort zone.  I did it (although I about threw up while I was walking up on stage!).  Later that evening, a friend of mine called and said that while I was speaking about Hope Mommies, she could hear coins clinking left and right as they were dropped in the money jars.  How cool is that! :)

I am so proud to be a part of such an amazing church and to know this women's ministry is made up of women that help.  It was my bible study girls that lifted us up with food and prayer.  They were donating to Hope Mommies months before IBC began raising money.  It was Jodie that came to visit me in the hospital the day after Jaxon passed.  This is my family!!  I am so thankful that God placed me here with them.  He knew what was coming.  He loves us so much, I am sitting here with this huge smile on my tear soaked face, filled with so much broken joy...

June 3rd part 1

Oh boy, a lot has happened this month!  God has taken me on a journey, and if you told me in February that God and I were about to do the things I have done this month, I would have laughed in your face and said you are talking about the wrong girl.

Let me give you a little more backstory before I get into what happened on June 3rd...

About 4 months ago, I felt like God was starting to lay a few things on my heart.  I just felt this tug in the back of my mind…
Help them.  What can you do to help?  How are you going to honor Jaxon and his 38 1/2 weeks of life?  God has a purpose for Jaxon, for your pain.  Follow my lead.  You can do this.  What if my church did a hope box gathering?  

This was late February, and shortly after having these thoughts, I had sent an email to our women's pastor, Jodie, suggesting the idea of putting Hope Boxes on the list of things to do for a "service project."  Each year, each table in our women's bible study (there are typically about 30 tables, 8-10 women at each table) complete a service project.  Women can volunteer at a homeless shelter, do a 5k and raise money for that race's cause, or fill any other need the community has.  If the table is undecided on what to do, there is a list of options given to help with ideas.  I suggested that we give them the option of putting together a Hope Box or two for a newly bereaved mom.

Turns out it was a little too late to add this project to the list this year, but next year it would totally be an option.  Score!!  But Jodie also suggested something I wasn't expecting.  She said, why don't you share your story with the ladies and how this study has been working in your life?  (Our study was about the women in Luke and one of the first lessons was "giving up control in exchange for peace.")  I had so much to say, but I was terrified!!  You can read some about this here. When that day came around (March 25th) I was sooo nervous, but I did it.  And I rambled like a silly person, but I overcame a BIG fear of mine (for that day) and I spoke Jaxon's story and how God was using my suffering to speak to me and get me through the daily struggles of being without my boy.  In front of 300 women.  With a microphone.

I was on this high after doing the unthinkable, and I emailed Jodie again, asking her thoughts on doing a hope box gathering during the summer bible study.  And she said yes.

She said yes!  Yay!!

And she would like for me to come tell a little about it on the first night of the summer study.  In front of 300 women.  With a microphone.  On stage.

On June 3rd.

Return to Zero

I recently watched this movie.  It was on network tv- the lifetime channel.  I had seen A LOT of posts about this movie on facebook, in the Hope Mommies community, because it was about stillbirth.  Movies like this just don't get picked up.  I mean, people don't want to talk about our loss.  It makes people uncomfortable. (oh my gosh, I could go on and on about this topic alone, but I'll save it). Who would go see a movie like that?!?

Minnie Driver plays the mom, who goes in for a check-up, full-term, and finds out that her baby's heart had stopped beating.  The movie plays out all of the things we go through- everything "baby" that seems to be magnified and everywhere like babyshowers and pregnant women and newborns.  It had the well-meaning but stupid comments, the depression, and just the constant reminders of what is missing.  

There was a part in this movie that really hit the nail on the head.  The part they got right was the part where she was about to give birth and you see her face.  It was a face of deep, deep sorrow, but at the same time you could see a glimmer of excitement because she was about to hold him.  

Then came the pictures.  Oh, we had such similar pictures.  Let me tell you, the faces, they haunt me.  And we have pictures just like them.  So skeletal-like (is that even a word?), the sorrow just takes the flesh right off of the face.  Deep, deep grief. 

The whole movie had this tone.  Sorrow.  Depression.  Emptiness.  Life never got better for her.  She even had a look of emptiness when she held her second child.  Her wiggly, screaming, earthly child.  I don't get it.  And I don't want to.  I don't want to be like that.  Something huge was missing from her life.  Christ. 

I want to talk about my son.  I want to look at those people in the eyes who make stupid comments and educate them, not tell them to f**k off.  Although sometimes, yea, it takes a lot not to slap some people- haha totally kidding.  Maybe.  

I will be the parent that picks up her child every single time he cries, not because I don't know any better, but because I do know better.  I know too much.  The life of a baby is precious beyond words.  The sound of my baby's cry will be the best sound in the world.    

So no, Minnie Driver, it does get better.  These babies are in heaven.  We will spend eternity there with our Creator and our babies.  That is something to have joy about.  My heart is not empty because Jaxon is with Jesus.  Don't get me wrong, I miss him so much.  But my life is here with my husband right now.  I will go to be with Jaxon one day, but until then, my sorrow can't bring him back.  I will have children here on earth to love and care for and they deserve nothing less than a fully alive mother. 

The length of my range in emotions has quadrupled since he passed.  Yes, my heart knows deep, deep grief.  But if there's only one thing I can acknowledge, it's that my heart is more full than it has been my entire life.  I have more appreciation, more compassion, more hope, and more life.  Thank you Jesus.  

I am thankful that they made a movie to raise awareness of stillbirth.  People do need to be aware of how often it does happen and learn how to be more sensitive to those who are experiencing it.  But the movie disappointingly ended with emptiness.  There needs to be a sequel about Jesus replenishing her empty soul with joy.

autopsy

A few days after my appointment with Dr. Ward, I got a phone call from her with some news.  But, let me back up a bit.

We had elected to have an autopsy done on Jaxon.  I remember the decision being an easy one, something that we didn't even hesitate over.  His passing was so unexpected.  We wanted to know if there was something wrong, if there was something we had missed.  We wanted to give our next baby the best possible chance to live.

When I last spoke to Dr, Ward, it had been 6 months and we still hadn't gotten a final autopsy report.  As far as we knew from the preliminary results, everything was fine.  Jaxon was healthy, all of his organs, fingers, and toes were in tact.  For the last 6 months, Jaxon's death was a big questions without an answer.  But Dr. Ward contacted the guy that did Jaxon's autopsy and talked with him about what he found.

I feel like I have to mention here, that some people think if you find out what caused something like this, then you get "closure."  It really takes away how significant this type of loss is.  Getting closure on something suggests that it is time to move on now, because you have an explanation.  There is no explanation that will bring this journey to an end.  I will find joy again, yes.  I won't let the passing of my son define my every moment here on earth.  But I will always miss him, I will always wish he were here with me instead, I will always think about what he would have looked like or how his voice would have sounded.  One day I will know, and only on that day, will I get "closure."  But closure won't be the right word for it then.  That day will be the beginning of eternity- something that I really just can't imagine at this moment.  

So here it is…
The final report...

My umbilical cord had an extensive amount of hypo-coiling.  That means that more than half of my umbilical cord had no coils in it.  The coils in the umbilical cord are what makes it so durable.  Not only that, but there were areas in my cord that were very narrow, making it harder for blood to reach Jaxon.  Usually when this happens, you  have a baby that is pretty small because the nourishment wasn't able to reach the baby like it should.  Jaxon was 6 lbs 12 oz and 22 inches long.  He wasn't a small baby, he was a decent size!  But that made his cord even more vulnerable to an accident.  Dr. Ward said, more than likely, his cord was kinked and he passed away.  He literally fell asleep and passed.

So many thoughts went through my mind when I found out.  The feeling that my body betrayed me came back full force.  I struggled with it for a day, and reminded myself that this was supposed to happen.  It wasn't a mistake.  God had the power to stop it and He didn't.  This was supposed to happen and my body made the cord that was supposed to be Jaxon's.  I choose to believe this.  My feelings are much different, but my choice is to believe what God says in the bible.  He knit my son together.  He numbered my son's days.  There was nothing I could have done differently.

back to the dr

A couple weeks ago, on the 8th (sorry, I know- my posts are terribly out of order), I went to go see Dr. Ward.  I needed to talk to her about so many things that had been on my mind.  My cycles were doing some funky things, we still hadn't heard from her about Jaxon's final autopsy report, and I really, really want to get pregnant- you can't do that when your cycles won't behave!

Anyway, first thing's first… I needed to locate her!!  Apparently she left the office where I had last seen her at and started her own practice!  In Rockwall!  That's about 45 mins to an hour away from where I live, so I thought to myself... crap.  This won't work will it…

I made an appointment to see her anyway.  After-all, she has a connection to me that I wouldn't get with any other doctor.  I did a little research on her- she was voted as one of DFWChild Magazine's "mom recommended ob/gyns," she specializes in high-risk pregnancies (not that I am high risk, but it's good to know), and right there on the page was a review done by a mom who had also lost a baby.  It felt right.

It RAINED!!!  I mean monsoon rain all the way there… it took me over an hour to get there!  I guess pulling off the highway because you think you have a flat tire doesn't help either!  (Haha, yea I think the devil was plotting hard against me this day.)  Sopping wet, I open the door to her new office and see the sweetest girl at the front desk.  She talked to me about the rain and said, "no worries!  We knew you were driving all the way from Irving, so we thought you might be a little late."

Wow.  They knew where I was coming from?  That is awesome.  They know me.  The girl at the front desk even knew who I was.  Remember ya'll, the first time I ever met this doctor was on November 13th when she delivered Jaxon.

I finished up the paperwork… it was like I was a new patient, but I wasn't.  They just didn't have any of this type of paperwork on file for me yet.  I had to fill in the pregnancy history part.  You know, the part where it asks you how many pregnancies and how many living children you have?  ugh.

The nurse that took me back remembered me right away, and after talking with her for a few minutes, her face started to look familiar.  You see, that day that I first met this nurse (at my 2-week post-partum check-up), I was trying so hard not to cry the whole time I was there- I couldn't tell you who was there other than Dr. Ward.  She tells me with a sincere smile on her face, "Dr. Ward told me yesterday that you were coming today."  That was nice to hear.

To make a long story short, Dr. Ward talked to me for an hour and a half.  We got down to business and discussed my cycles (all is just fine by the way), had an exam, did some bloodwork, and talked about our plan for the next pregnancy.  I was reassured that she would watch the baby like a hawk and do many, many sonograms.  Piece of mind is high on the priority list not only for me, but for her as well.  She asked me how I was doing.  The real how are you doing.  I told her about Hope Mommies and how it has helped me.  She shared with me that there was someone she knew that could use Hope Mommies and so I gave her the information to pass along.  She said she was always looking for resources she can share with moms who lose their babies, and this sounded like a good one to her.

And she still delivers at Baylor.  I indeed could still have the same team for my second baby.  :)  Not that I needed her to say that at this point (my decision to stay with her was already made), but this detail put the icing on the cake.  I'm not sure why the devil was trying so hard to sabotage the day, but I'm glad I rolled with the punches.  I feel like some wonderful things will happen with Dr. Ward.

Mother's day and 6 months

This one is going to be rough.  At 6 months out, I'd like to tell you that Mother's day was awesome and the 6 month anniversary of giving Jaxon back is a little easier because of the amount of practice we've had.  But it wasn't.  It was far from that.

Sunday, May 11th, was Mother's Day.  I had been gearing up for it, I guess you could say.  I had read an article that gave some survival pointers to moms who have lost children and it made me feel like I could handle the day pretty well- whatever that means.  Something in that article leapt off the page at me.  It said "Take comfort in the origins of Mother's Day."  Apparently, Mother's Day was begun by a woman, Anna Jarvis, who didn't have any children of her own.  She wanted to honor her mother- who happened to be a bereaved mother.  Her mother lost 8 of her 12 children.  Mother's day was started in honor of a bereaved mother.  That is awesome.  Because I can't think of anyone better to honor than a mother like that.  There is so. much. pain. in the heart of a mother who can't hold her child in her arms.

So Mother's day came.  I had gotten a pedicure the day before, courtesy of my lovely boss, for mother's day.  I picked a bright pink/purple- perfect for spring I thought.  I was ready for a day spent just with my hubby.  I wanted to skip church because Mother's day is such a big deal there.  I was guarding my heart from the unnecessary pain of receiving a flower, but not having a baby to hold.  I didn't want to be reminded of all of the women around me that got to bring their children home from the hospital, while I had to leave mine.

I have to say, I was completely disappointed with Mother's day.  I don't know if I was putting unfair expectations on my husband, but I wanted to feel special, in spite of how cruddy I was feeling about the day.  After I voiced how cruddy the day was going, my hubby went out and got flowers, and I hate to sound like an ungrateful brat, but it just put salt in the wound.  To be honest, I don't think anything would have made that day any better.  It was literally just a day I wish never existed.

Then fast forward a couple days to the 13th.  6 months.  It was just a disaster.  I was a mess.  Nothing was going right.  John-Michael couldn't do anything right.  I think I had put an even greater expectation on this day because it was after a sucky Mother's Day and I just feel like 6 months is a milestone.  Half a year has already passed by.  Half a year!!  It was a big deal.  John-Michael and I got into a huge fight.  I was upset that he didn't put much thought into Mother's Day, and it was looking like our 6 month milestone was going to turn out the same.

Looking back on it, I think I definitely put some expectations on him to somehow make up for a crappy Mother's Day.  This figuring out my feelings and communicating them is hard stuff.  How do you tell your spouse what you want when you don't even know what you want?  Part of me wanted to celebrate Mother's day and 6 months while the other part of me wanted to treat them like any other day.  We did end up getting another candle.  We burn candles a lot in the evening, like it's our "Jaxon light" that symbolizes the little boy that we wish could be in the room with us.  

  

Letter to Hope Mommies

Last week, I was given the opportunity to write a letter telling about my experiences after Jaxon's death and how Hope Mommies has helped me grow and heal.  This letter will ultimately be used by Hope Mommies to seek funding, but shortly after sending it to her, Erin (founder of Hope Mommies) immediately wrote me back telling me how reading my story had her crying on her couch with a renewed heart.  I want to share this with ya'll so you get a taste of how powerful this journey has actually been for me because God used it to open up my eyes to Him.  Only God can make something so good out of the worst day of my life…

My letter-

My name is Michelle Garza, I'm 31, and live in Dallas, TX with my husband, John-Michael, and our retired seeing-eye dog and 2 cats.  We have one child, Jaxon Nicolas, who lives in heaven with Jesus.  I'd like to give you a peek into my journey of becoming a Hope Mom and the impact Hope Mommies has had on my life. 

We found out we were expecting our first baby on Easter Sunday, March 31, 2013.  We had been trying to get pregnant for 8 months, so needless to say I was a little in shock and of course super excited when this pregnancy test said we were "pregnant!"  It was a wonderful pregnancy, and Jaxon was growing strong and healthy.  The baby showers were over, his nursery was almost ready, and we had almost finished packing our bags for the birthing center.  We were as ready as we were going to be!  When we approached 38 weeks, my midwife noticed my blood pressure was on the rise and my amniotic fluid level was falling.  So, at 38 1/2 weeks, she decided to induce my labor; this was noon on November 12, 2013.  I went home to get some rest and start the beginning stages of labor.  My labor pains began around 4:30 that day and I found myself at the birthing center at around midnight that night.  This is where my life changed forever.

Immediately, I got on the bed and we listened for Jaxon's heartbeat.  She had never had trouble finding it before, but she struggled for what seemed like an eternity.  The next thing I know, we are rushing down the road to Baylor.  As soon as I get there, they got me on the sonogram table to confirm our worst fear.  Our boy was gone. 

We had just felt him move at 9:45 that night, a little more than two hours before we arrived at the birthing center.  I delivered him November 13 at 4:27pm.  Jaxon looks just like his daddy and weighed 6lbs 12 oz and measured 22 in long.   

That day still holds our highest highs and our lowest lows.  We finally saw and held our firstborn; it was a beautiful moment.  But in the same day we had to give him back.  My faith in God and His promises had been shaken to its core.  How can a God that is good let my baby die?  He knew Jaxon was in trouble and He had the power to fix it, but he didn't.  The house I had built with God had fallen and I was desperate to rebuild, but just didn't know how. 

Thankfully, God led me to Hope Mommies before the anger of losing my firstborn became permanent.  The first time I heard about Hope Mommies was when a friend that I had met through my Lay Me Down To Sleep photographer sent me a Hope Box.  She had also lost her full term daughter just two months prior and had become involved with Hope Mommies and outreach after someone sent her a hope box. 

Shortly after receiving my box, I checked out hopemommies.org.  Then, I was added to the private Facebook group page, where moms like me can interact and support one another.  I remember that one of the hope moms had said that God can handle whatever anger, questions, or struggles we have.  We won't hurt His feelings and he doesn't disown us for doubting him.  She said the God He is now is the same God He was before our babies died.  This stuck with me and I began to search the bible for some perspective.  I started to seek the true character of God, I started to see and understand Who He is, even in the midst of tragedy and grief.  

I started reading the One Year Book of Hope that was in my hope box and discovered what it means to be a sufferer.  I discovered that tragedy and pain is no stranger to a believer and follower of Christ.  I discovered what it means to grieve with God and grieve well.  I found comfort.  I'm learning how to work through and carry this pain and use it for God's glory.

I decided to go to the Dallas Hope Group that began this March and met 7 other local moms face-to-face while attending.  We all shared our stories and met each other with compassion and understanding.  It felt so good to share with other moms who just "get it."  I learned that a lot of what I was feeling was normal.  I was given bible verses to cling to and to learn from.  I dug deep into God's word and answered some hard questions.  I learned more about grieving well and using my experience to help others.  The best part of it for me was I was doing this alongside other grieving moms.  I found a community of women who know exactly how this feels and we are all growing together and helping others together.   

For our last meeting, we released a balloon for each of our babies and the babies of moms we knew and couldn't be there.  We made hope boxes for new moms.  We had cake and a final bible study focusing on outreach and helping other moms on their grief journey.  Without these women, I wouldn't have grown as much as I have.  The curriculum in the group is something that I can continuously look back on and remind myself of things that I need reminding of.  I look forward to the next hope group in the Fall, because grieving is definitely an ongoing process, and fellowship with these women helps me to grieve well.  I also look forward to meeting more moms at the next Hope Mommies Retreat, because I've heard it is an amazing experience. 

I can truly say that I finally know my God, I'm not just talking about what I've heard about him.  I aimed all of my grief at Him, I asked the hard questions, and I sought after Who He is.  And He told me who he is, no doubt.  He is the God that sacrificed His Son, to die for me- a sinner.  God knows what it is like to lose a child, he knows the pain and the grief I am in, and He cries with us.  Can I say that I would give my son to an angry mob to be beaten and hung on a cross to die?  Would I ever choose for my son to die in the place of someone that doesn't deserve it?  No.  But I am not God, and thank goodness because I would be horrible at it!  His ways are higher than mine.  I may not understand because of my human nature, but I do have hope in His promise.  Because of His love which is beyond my understanding, I will see my son again.  Jaxon is not "lost."  I know where he is. 

The Hope Mommies community and organization was exactly the vessel God needed and used to bring healing and hope into my life.  The community, bible study, and outreach of Hope Mommies is amazing and I thank God for them every day! 

And here was her response-

Oh Michelle.

I am sitting on my couch, weeping while I read your story. It it just so unbelievable to me the way that God moves. He gifted you with precious Jaxon, but in such a way that … my human heart cannot understand. He designed our babies for eternity, and what a relief that is to us moms! We KNOW that they are safe. We KNOW that they are loved, forever. We never have to fear for Jaxon and Gwendolyn. That is such a balm to my heart. 

But.

But it’s so wrong that babies die, and that we miss them. And being broken in this way is excruciating. I remember physically aching from grief. 

And yet, because of God’s great love for us — for me, for you — He gave us what we really needed, which was more of Himself. A greater understanding and faith. And the hope that life on this Earth really won’t be too long, and we’ll be with them. 

I’m preaching/typing at myself, because even 3.5 years later, I miss her and my humanity longs for that old “normal”. And reading your story of God’s redemption in your sorrow is tragically beautiful. 

I might not even be making any sense! So I’m sorry if I’m being ridiculous. But I did want you to know how much your story has renewed in my heart afresh that God is a good God who loves us so thoroughly that He does whatever it takes to make us wholly His. And that He did, ultimately, give us the best for Gwen and Jaxon, because we know they’re safe and we’ll see them soon. Thank you for sharing this with me, and allowing me to share it with others for funding.