My anchor

It's been a while since I've written.  I just plain didn't feel like writing.  However, I've done some digging and soul searching and I've made some choices about how I want to heal and remember.  I went back to my last post and added links to NILMDTS and to Amy's blog because I've decided to make my blog public.  I had set it to private because I couldn't bare the thought of someone reading my deepest hurts.  What if I'm doing it wrong? (More on this later…) But, God will use My Jaxon's short life here on Earth and make good from it.  He has given me this story and I need to share it.  If you find yourself reading this blog, I hope to give you an honest look at what grief looks like through a mother who just lost her son.  If you are a mother who has lost a child, I hope that you can really let yourself feel your grief, because that is the only way to work through it and learn how to live a happy life with it.  That is what I am learning to do.

My life has changed.  I will never be the same person I was before Jaxon died. I have known hurt that has brought me to the ground, shaking and laying in the fetal position while holding Jaxon's precious baby clothes.  I've taken showers where the water has gone cold before getting to wash my hair because I couldn't stop crying and cursing at God. I've held back tears while fighting resentment towards parents who complain about the chaos of packing up their children to take a plane trip out of state to celebrate Christmas with family. Oh, how my heart ached that day! I've cancelled birthday dinners because I had a bad day and was afraid of being a downer.  I've avoided familiar places like our grocery store and our local bakery in fear that someone will either ask me how the baby is or ask me how I'm holding up.  I absolutely HATE crying in front of others! I've sobbed so hard that I choked on my own tears (and that was in front of my counselor and the beginning of some real healing! More on that later…) But, in spite of all of this pain, I know that God is good.  God is good.  God is good.  God is so good.  My words can't express this supernatural truth better than this song…

Before the Morning
by Josh Wilson

Do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you
If there's a God who loves you, where is He now?
Maybe there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening to bring a better ending
Someday somehow you'll see, you'll see

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
that you still have a reason to sing
cause the pain that you've been feeling
it can't compare to the joy that's coming
so hold on you gotta wait for the light
press on and just fight the good fight
cause the pain that you've been feeling
it's just the dark before the morning

my friend, you know how this all ends
you know where you're going
you just don't know how you'll get there
so say a prayer
and hold on cause there's good for those who love God
but life is not a snapshot
it might take a little time
but you'll see the bigger picture

once you feel the weight of glory
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the weight of glory
all your pain will fade to memory

would you dare, would you dare to believe
that you still got a reason to sing
cause the pain that you've been feeling
it can't compare to the joy that's coming
come on you gotta wait for the light
press on and just fight the good fight
cause the pain that you've been feeling
it's just the hurt before the healing
oh the pain that you've been feeling
it's just the dark before the morning

I have discovered the strength of an anchor holding me safe and sound. These waves of grief have the power to take me far out into the darkness, but my anchor, my God holds me safe and sound.  Through all this pain, God has worked my soul over.  He is still working on me.  The people in my life, the experiences I've had, the things I am involved in today, the people who I've met since Jaxon died… this is ALL God working in my life to prepare me for/heal me from this disaster of pain that is now my life.  God is so good. Because God gave his one and only son to die for me so that I can live eternity with Him, I have an anchor for my soul.  There will be a day when I will have no tears.  Because I know where my son is and I know who is holding him, I am ok.  That is my anchor.