Hands

Hands

Thursday, May 15, 2014

pictures

I forgot pictures!!! Here they are…  :)

The balloon release, my "3rd time's a charm" balloon :)




Hope boxes...


Beautiful women walking our journey together…  <3


 Cake!!  yummmm… :)



Hope Group finale part 2

After we got back to the house, we dug into some scripture and shared some of our thoughts on the rest of the study and how we have grown.  At the beginning of the study, we were to make note of the woman we wanted to be.  The question was, "In light of my loss, what kind of woman do I want to be?"

At the time, my answer was actually all of the things I didn't want to be.  I didn't want to be a woman that people had to walk on eggshells around.  I didn't want to be a woman that sucks the joy out of a room. I didn't want to be a walking zombie.  I didn't want to be a woman that crawls into a hole and hides for years, even though that's what every fiber of my human flesh wanted to do.

As the time passed, I found more and more of who I wanted to be.  I want to be a woman that rises above the pain and sees the beauty that God made out of this crown of ashes.  I want to be a woman that stands firm in the face of fear because I know Who is in control.  I want to be a woman that has compassion for others that have to walk this journey and a woman that reaches out to them and tells them that they are not alone.   I want to be the woman to tell them that God can make good from their tragedy, because He is doing that for me.

Elyse shared with us a scripture that spoke volumes to me, I didn't realize there was a verse that fits so perfectly with the way I have been processing this whole thing.
John 9:3
"It was not because of his sins or his parents' sins," Jesus answered.  "This happened so the power of God could be seen in him."

A few months ago, this thought crossed my mind.  Why?  There has to be an answer and when I find that answer this will all make perfect sense.  Was it my prayer for a meaningful testimony?  Was it because I am a horrible friend and need to learn about compassion?  My husband thinks it is because he was such a horrible teenager, is it that?  Why God?  If this happened as a punishment, that is so cruel!

No, no, no, no.  I do not claim to know why.  I don't claim to have gotten an all-knowing answer from God that miraculously washes the questions from my mind.  But I believe Jesus when he says, "this happened so the power of God could be seen in him."
I choose to believe God when he says that He will make good from this.  Romans 8:28
I choose to believe him when he says He makes beauty out of ashes.  Isaiah 61:3
I choose to be a bright light in spite of the devil's scheme to fade me out into his darkness. 2 Cor 2:11

The devil hates me, no doubt.  He wants to turn me into someone that people walk on eggshells around, someone that sucks the joy out of a room, a walking zombie.  That is no good, that is darkness and that is death.  The power of God is the only thing keeping me from becoming those things.  My flesh is so weak, and believe me, I have days where I just want to scream at the world and go hide in my Jaxon's room and cry.

But the power of God gets me out of bed every day.  I know where Jaxon is and I have a glimpse inside of eternity because of my son.  I have a deeper relationship with my creator, I can feel His love surround me and comfort me when I am too weak to do anything but cry.

Wow!  Guess I had a lot to say there… back to the hope group :)  We had cake and made hope boxes together for our last meeting, and it was so wonderful.  To be sitting alongside other women who have experienced tragedy to the same degree as me, and to see smiles on their faces, and laughter.  This is beauty my friends.  This is the beauty that rises from the ashes when Christ is in control over your life.

Hope Group finale part 1

Last Wednesday, May 7th, our hope group gathered for week 8, the final week of our study together.  I ended up having a rough start… So I show up about 15 minutes late (no one's faulty but my own, I had agreed to stay at work late at the last minute- and of course traffic this day was just not going to let me be there on time, even though I should have had enough time… grrr!).

As I arrive with photo boxes and a bag of goodies in my hands, sweet Jodi comes out and offers to help me inside.  Everyone was busy blowing up their balloons and writing sweet notes to their babies on the outside of the balloons.  Awesome.  I am so glad I am here :)

I get my balloon blown up and start to write.  J… a… x... , BANG!!!  It pops and everyone jumps, ha!  Great.  So I get another one, and this time I manage to get everything written without killing this one.

Onto the next… I had thought about who else I would make a balloon for and two families, both cousins of mine, came to mind.  One family lost their precious girl to Trisomy 18 and the other family lost three babies all miscarriages.  I feel such a sting in my heart for these families because as they lost their babies, I had zero idea of the pain they were going through.  How could I?  Now that I know, I just feel so much sorrow and regret even, that I didn't say anything at the time.  Not a simple I'm sorry, not a question about the babies or a simple card in the mail.  I get it, all the people that don't reach out, I do get it because I was one of you.  You don't know what to say, and instead of making a fool of yourself, you choose to be silent.  And now, on the other side of that tragedy, I know how empty a grieving mother can feel after the world moves on.  And that sucks way more.  I get that too.

So we start walking down the street to the nearby park.  We see this couple walking their dogs- one of the dogs in a stroller because he has three legs… how precious!  They want ALL of their doge to be able to enjoy the walk so they bring him in a stroller to enjoy it.  I think I stop to appreciate little things like this even more now.  It's so sweet.

Then we see this lady walking her dog, on our side of the street, and immediately we start hoping that she doesn't ask us a question we will have to awkwardly answer like, "Oh are you ladies having a baby shower?!"  Or, "Oh what pretty balloons, what are they for?"  And much to our gratitude, she simply smiles and continues walking.  Thank you! :)  Not so much that it is a hard question for us to answer, more like it will be a complete shock for her as she tries to process our answer.  It's just uncomfortable having to smile through someone's look of horror as they immediately regret asking such an innocent question.  

So we are about half way to the park, and suddenly I hear, "oh no, Michelle your balloon!"  I look behind and off to the side I see my 2nd blue Jaxon balloon fly off to the sky.  Needless to say, a couple of the girls and I headed back to the house to make another balloon for Jaxon.  At first I was insistent that we didn't need to, but I'm glad they made me.  I needed it.  I mean, really?!?  First I'm late, then my first balloon pops, and now my second balloon decides to fly away on it's own… What is up with that?!?

Anyway, the third balloon was indeed the charm, and we had a beautiful balloon release just before sunset.  I cannot express the emotions that were running though my veins at that moment.  This is exactly what my Jaxon did the night of Nov 12.  As I was in labor, he was called home.  His soul went to live in eternity and I am still here.  The day he left gets further and further away as time moves forward.  But also, the day I will see him again is getting closer and closer as time moves forward.


Tuesday, May 6, 2014

growth part 2

In the last 6 months, I have grown so much…

As soon as we learned that Jaxon would no longer be with us on earth, I was overcome by this supernatural peace.  I think it was peace combined with shock, for sure.  But never once did I think we wouldn't make it.  I was actually making jokes that next day, trying to lighten the mood in our hospital room.  Now that, my friends, was the work of God in my heart.  Not shock.  I knew that we would be okay.  I also knew that it would be an uphill climb that we could not do alone.

Immediately, we were being taken care of by the hands and feet of God.  I want to take a minute to share what the most helpful things were-

Showing up.  We had friends that just showed up for us.  They didn't ask when would be best for us, and they definitely didn't choose to stay away.  They were there and that's all that mattered.  God uses us, even when we don't have a clue he is using us! ;)

Love.  These friends just listened and loved.  If it was jokes that I needed to make and have someone laugh at, or a shoulder that I needed to cry on, or a hug that needed to be given, these friends just let me do what I needed to do.  They didn't try and force their logical/philosophical/theological understanding of the situation on me.  They just listened and loved.  No advice needed.  There are no words and there is no "right way" to handle the death of a child.  They didn't try to fit our grief into this little box of what they thought grief needed to look like.

Support.  About a month after Jaxon died, God put Hope Mommies into my life.  Since then, I have seen what grief looks like on so many different women.  I have heard their stories and I have shared mine.  I have asked God why?  I have fought with Him- believe me ya'll, He can handle it.  I sought the true character of Him, and He showed me exactly who he is- no doubt.  I have learned so much through the support of not only Hope Mommies, but through the support that surpasses all understanding- the support of God himself.  Amazing stuff!

There is no word to describe what Jaxon's death has taught me.  Something that comes close is Jaxon has given me a "gift."  I will never really understand Jaxon's whole purpose, or the impact he will have on this world in the future.  But I can see what his death has done for my life in the short 6 months since he left, and it isn't all bad.

I have sought God on a whole new level, and I've found him.  I don't just talk about him, I know him.

I am healing from wounds I've buried so so long ago, wounds that I wouldn't have discovered without Kate.

I am helping other women by sharing my story and grief journey with them.  Ya'll this is totally out of my comfort zone and uncharacteristic of the Michelle that I have known the past 30 years.  

My son's purpose on this earth was fulfilled before he was even born.  Only our God can do something like that…




growth

Today I sit with so much on my heart.  We are so close to Mother's day again.  We are so close to the 6 month anniversary of giving Jaxon back to God.  Tomorrow is the last meeting of the 8-week long hope group study.  So much has happened since last mother's day, since we lost Jaxon, and since I started going to hope group.  Here is my best attempt at recapping, because that is just what I feel like doing right now…

Last mother's day, I received a card in the mail from my mom.  It said, you are a mother because of the baby growing in your tummy and I can't wait to meet him or her and celebrate that baby in your arms next year.  Sweet anticipation of having a sweet baby in my arms, midnight diaper changes, getting up in the morning after 2 hours of sleep fueling myself with coffee and snuggles.  Feeling the baby kick inside my belly for the first time, finding out that we were going to have a son, my husband discovering where his son's head was positioned so he could interact with him and make him jump with the loudest kisses ever on my belly.  We cherished watching and feeling him grow in my tummy, I can gladly say satisfaction that we spent as much quality time with him that we knew how to spend.  We knew our son, even when we couldn't see him yet.

I am a mom, even when there is not a baby in my arms to hold.  I am still worth celebrating- the mother in me is still in tact.  

I carried him.  He has part of my DNA.  His blood flowed with mine, and mine with his.

And I'm not sure how I feel about mother's day this year.  I am going to try and not be sad the whole day in spite of the aching in my arms.  It is a huge reminder of the evil God has conquered through His Son.  I am so glad that I have the privilege of returning to my Jaxon one day, and to meet my true Father, the one who really breathed life into my lungs.  I am a mother, and my son is living with his creator!!  That is awesome… if that is not a mother's love, then people what am I?!?  Sounds like a mother to me.

I feel so much more like a mother this mother's day than I ever did last year at this time.

Please don't be afraid of celebrating the mothers in your life that have lost children.  If you have lost a child, and don't feel worthy enough to be called a mother, think again friend… what else is the definition of a mother??  Each child, whether living on this earth or not, is still a child- and that mother will never forget that little soul that was once living inside her belly- you are a mother.

Saturday, May 3, 2014

oh so scandalous...

This morning I am just blown away by God's grace.  My heart is just full right now because I am realizing how accepted I am by God.  I am not an "orphan believer."  I don't second guess where I belong, I don't second guess what God's word says about me anymore.  I trust him!!  What God says is truth, no matter how I am feeling at the moment.  No matter how bad I just messed up.  I.  am.  his.  child.  period.  No matter what.  He won't give me back, he already bought me with his Son's life- how crazy, beautiful, and inconceivable is that?!? Scandalous!! ;)  I am an heir to the throne even when I do the bad things I do.

Emotions can be deceiving people… that is backwards thinking compared to what I used to believe!  If I'm feeling a certain way, it must be truth right?  No.  Lies.  Feelings can be confusing, God is not the author of confusion.  Should we feel guilty about what we did last night, last week, last month, and then dwell on it, beat ourselves up for it, feel like we are unworthy of what God has promised us?  What if I told you that this is the devil speaking to your mind… not God.  Woah!  Right?!?!?  :)  It is the devil!  God doesn't want to shame us, make us feel unworthy… we are the heirs to the throne!!!

Conviction happens by God, not guilt.  Conviction puts a realization in our conscience that says this is wrong.  We stop it, repent, and its done!  It's over!  God doesn't hold it against us, the devil does.

I'm just gonna leave this song right here…  :)


Grace, what have You done?
Murdered for me on that cross
Accused in absence of wrong
My sin washed away in Your blood

Too much to make sense of it all
I know that Your love breaks my fall
The scandal of grace, You died in my place
So my soul will live

Oh to be like You
Give all I have just to know You
Jesus, there's no one besides You
Forever the hope in my heart

Death, where is your sting?
Your power is as dead as my sin
The cross has taught me to live
And mercy, my heart now to sing


The day and its trouble shall come
I know that Your strength is enough
The scandal of grace, You died in my place
So my soul will live


Oh to be like You
Give all I have just to know You
Jesus, there's no one besides You
Forever the hope in my heart
[x2]

And it's all, because of You, Jesus
It's all, because of You, Jesus
It's all, because of Your love
And my soul will live

Oh to be like You
Give all I have just to know You
Jesus, there's no one besides You
Forever the hope in my heart
[x2]

Thursday, May 1, 2014

living in eternity

I find myself having "an off week."  Probably more like an off month.  Jealousy, fear, judgment, low self-worth.  Yikes, I said it- low self-worth, low-self-esteem.  And you say, "What?  You're an adult and you still struggle with that?"  At least for me, I feel like if you're an adult, you should have figured out by now that you can't rely on others to define you or to make you feel worthy.  But, yet still I struggle with this big time.  And it began way before I lost my son.  Actually, let's be completely honest here… I have had "an off 31 years!"

I think in some form or fashion, we all have pain and it begins in childhood.  Some have it so much worse than others, yes, but pain is pain.  If we compare and say, "well she hasn't been through what I've been through," then we are devaluing her pain.  Paul says in the book of Galatians, "For the whole law can be summed up in this one command: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" Galatians 5:14

I think we get caught in this trap of feeling sorry for ourselves.  
This is what I've had to endure, it's not fair!  
How can anyone complain after knowing what I've been through?  
My friends, this isn't limited to losing a child.  This can be about child abuse, spousal abuse, being fired unfairly, getting a rumor spread around about you.

I think it is important to recognize who we are in God.  God tells me that I am worth dying for.  In all my ugliness, in all my judgmental thinking, in all my pain, in all my insecurities, in all my flaws, I AM STILL WORTH DYING FOR, even while I still sin.  We who have accepted Christ's gift and are willing to follow his perfect will for our lives, are called to "be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Whenever you are having an off night or an off day or an off week or month or year even, don't declare it.  When you declare it, it becomes true and you find yourself settling for something less than what God made you to be.  Now, please don't get me wrong.  We are grieving, and it sucks, and you WILL have off days, weeks, months, etc.  Especially when life hits you with bullets that have nothing to do with our losses- the pain gets heavier exponentially!  But don't let it define you.  Keep reminding yourself that you will one day know all the answers and you will one day SEE the one who thinks you are worth dying for.  You will live eternity with the God who created you to be joyful!!  Live in eternity.  Right.  Now.